VICTORIAN WINTERS
It was winter and days became dark early and Teresa liked that. She got used to it. Seasons change. It was nice to have winter around you, winter when you woke up, winter in the afternoon and now as the afternoon was turning to evening, winter in the evening. The afternoon light was like the evening light of autumn or summer but Teresa liked this. She stood at the window of their rooms. She wasn’t thinking of her husband. Then of course when she realised that she had been standing at the window for a while, thinking of nothing, she realised that she had forgotten that her husband would be home from work soon.
Yes, she felt as if she was waiting for something as she stood at the window…Oh she shouldn’t stand like this..what was she waiting for…waiting for Denby..he couldn’t give her a life…she had lost her life when she married Denby..yes..she knew that..and she had lost the baby, the child…what did that mean… She turned quickly from the window. Thinking of the lost child seemed to confuse her. She stood still looking into the room. Then she turned back again to look out. Thoughts came to her ..Yes she had run away from the old life…an old life that she felt Denby knew nothing about..still he knew of course that she worked in the theatre..but who did he think she was..she could be anyone..still he seemed to love her..she knew that..and that counted for a lot…he was willing to forgive…but really she had no secrets..except that she had spent some time working on the streets at night..then drunken nights spent with friends like Jackson and Antoinette..she was an ordinary working girl…She continued to think: Maybe she didn’t deserve this life she now led..Yes something about it wasn’t right…not for a woman like her anyway....she would have preferred to work..she would prefer to be working now..surviving..all that…so…why exactly did she marry Denby ?..Maybe she vaguely loved Denby but that wasn’t all…
She looked out at the building opposite and suddenly smiled to herself. She was remembering Jackson’s words of how she was marrying for a necklace. Why did she smile at this memory? It was absurd to marry for a necklace but of course you could marry for money, at least for security and that was possibly indeed why she married. But she also married because Denby had asked her and why wouldn’t a girl accept a proposal from a man like Denby and he had given her that gift, the gift of the necklace. He must really love her. He really wanted her as his wife. Yes.
Then she turned away from the window suddenly. Why was she thinking of all this? She was married now wasn’t she. She must just be a proper wife. Yes. And what would her own mother do. How would her own mother behave? Then she stopped. There was that dark thought coming to her again. She felt it beginning to blacken her thoughts. What was it? It was the lost child, the baby she lost. She walked over to an armchair and sat down. Her mind was blank as she couldn’t think and then again the image of the lost child came to her.
Yes she must see a priest..she’d like to talk to a priest…not just about the child which she miscarried a few months back but also about other things, everything…but the child she lost…that was something she didn‘t fully understand. She knew women lost children in childbirth…Maybe her own mother did…but she had experienced it herself now…There was also the fact that she had almost become a mother…When she married she had never thought about motherhood but this was something she must think of…It was strange and sad, she knew, that the loss of the baby made her think more clearly about motherhood.
It was strange standing at the window like this. It was strange waiting here, waiting for something. Was she waiting for her husband to return? No she was just thinking..What should she do now…Yes she wanted to do some work and she had talked to some nuns about working from home…She looked out the window in front of her. This time she tried to concentrate on what she was seeing. There was the sky.
She bowed her head suddenly. She had lost the child a few months back. Becoming pregnant surprised her…it surprised her to be pregnant so soon after getting married…and it made her realise suddenly what marriage meant…marriage meant being a wife but it also meant motherhood too. She hadn‘t thought of this before really. No-one had told her about this, reminded her but of course it was obvious. It showed her she had rushed into marriage without thinking. Oh when she entered into marriage, wasn;t she entering possible motherhood…it was something that she never really thought about…but why should she think too much about it…no-one of her friends would…and her mother wouldn’t..would she..yes what would her mother do..how would her mother act..her mother had died when she was a child..about four or five..she never really knew her but now she was beginning to ask herself constantly…what would her mother do..how would she behave in this situation…after she became pregnant..she had begun to think about this..and the pregnancy and then especially the subsequent miscarriage made her realise was that she had entering into something binding: Marriage was a binding contract. The nuns had said something like this.
And it was especially after she lost the baby that she had begun to think about her mother. The shock of the miscarriage probably brought this about. It made her cling to something and it was to the figure of her mother that she scarcely knew that she clung.
Oh as she stood at the window now, she felt lost. She hadn’t really talked to anyone about how it was hurting. And the baby, it was still there. It still had a life for her. Oh did it? No she felt afraid..so angry about something..what was it? Was it Denby? Had she made a mistake marrying? No..she didn’t think so..no it was the baby..no..what made her afraid…was there something false about this marriage..so she had made a mistake..oh she needed to talk to someone.
She wanted to talk to a priest. Yes she really wanted to talk to a priest and she knew there was an old roman catholic church hidden in some back streets. It was a church she had entered by accident just a few weeks previously and she felt immediately something from the distant past come back to her when she entered the old building. Was it her childhood? Her father had brought her to mass a few times. Maybe and when she entered the church, it was so quiet…maybe her mother could speak to her here…more clearly..yes here in this church..it was the quiet..
Yes there was the baby, the lost baby. There was something else too. The baby made her realise she needed something. Marriage on its own wasn’t enough. She needed something and it was a child or something real..truly real. She had run away from her own life. Yes she knew this and Anette who she spoke to occasionally mentioned this. Yes she had run away from Jackson, Antoinette, all that..all that world..why did she not see them..she had suddenly entered a new type of world and she felt lost. She really felt lost and maybe that was why the loss of the baby disturbed her. The miscarriage happened four months previously but as she stood at the window, it still upset her and that feeling of loss was still with her.
She continued to stand at the window. She let thoughts of the theatre, Anette come to her. Yes she had lost something. She missed that world, that world of the theatre, all that, the world of the streets at night, all that. ‘It’s lonely here..night life is lonely without you..‘, she thought to herself, almost dreaming, ‘Without the theatre…I wish I could find a place at home…and a child to care for…do I want a child to care for..does Henry want a child to care for…yes he does…life goes on…you must create life….I have fallen…I have been through dark streets at nigh…I have been with men who I shouldn’t have…and now I am married…what would my mother do….’
She was quiet as she let thoughts run through her mind. Then she thought again vaguely about something the midwife told her in confidence: It was that her body couldn’t have a child ; A child couldn’t grow inside her. Teresa sighed suddenly. She rose quickly and without thinking went into the dark winter street. She walked quickly and then she didn’t know where she was going but then suddenly there in front of her was the old roman catholic church hidden in the back streets. She had taken to standing outside the church and looking at it. It was a long time since she had gone to mass but she had come to know some nuns who helped her with working from home and she had sometimes walked to the church in the afternoon. Now she realised that she had walked to this old church without thinking. Her feet had taken her!
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Teresa sat in one of the pews in the centre of the old roman catholic church. She watched a woman sitting in one of the pews ahead of her. She was waiting for the priest to come to her. He had told her to wait and now she sat in silence. She looked sometimes up at the cross and Christ on it..and then she hoped the priest would not come until after a while. She wanted to be silent, her mind to be quiet and silent. Then she saw the priest come down the centre aisle. He sat beside her. He seemed to study her in profile as he sat down. She was looking up at the cross, the cross with the crucified Jesus on it.
‘Do you want to go to confession?’ the priest said suddenly.
These words didn’t surprise Teresa. Yes it made sense that the priest would think she committed some kind of sin or crime. Still she stared at the cross and Jesus on it and she couldn’t turn to look at him but she knew he was an understanding man. She knew priests who could be impatient with her but she had met him the previous evening and he looked like a good confidant, a confidant as well as a priest. She felt she needed someone like this and when he asked her to return the following day, she did so gladly.
‘No’ she said vaguely..
Then she turned quickly and she said almost spontaneously:
‘A baby..Father…I lost a baby…’
‘You want to be comforted..you need comfort…’
‘What?’, Teresa said without thinking..Then she said, ‘Sorry, Father…’
He turned to her:
‘And..you feel guilty…is that it…there is no real guilt in losing a baby…you shouldn’t..’
‘How can you say that…how do you know..’ Teresa seemed to babble. She felt as if she didn’t know what she was saying.
‘I can see it in your eyes…you are guilty maybe…you have no sin to confess…I mean mortal…have you…’
‘No..that’s right Father…’
‘But you lost a child..you say..and that can make you guilty…but..’
He continued to look at her and seemed to wait for her to speak.
‘But I feel afraid…guilty…’ Teresa said. She must communicate. This was not the time to be quiet. She had come to talk and the priest was trying to help her to speak and communicate.
Teresa continued:
‘Even now…I feel afraid…my stomach…’
‘Afraid of what?’ He seemed to study her and she looked up at Jesus on the cross and then down again.
‘The child..Father..’
‘It hurts you, it pains you…’
‘It does Father.. I don’t know what to do…and I never thought of being a mother..it came so suddenly…’
She stopped but he seemed to beckon her to continue.
‘I married last year…and I became pregnant and it all came suddenly….’
She stopped again. The priest was silent. Then he spoke:
‘You love your husband..I mean you have no problems. You are content. ’
Teresa looked suddenly at the cross and Jesus
‘I want to be a wife and a mother…I just can’t talk to anyone….’
‘Yes you can come here anytime…’
‘And the nuns I am grateful to them. They’re helping me to begin working from home. I need to work…’
The priest closed his eyes. Then he opened them. He seemed to be about to say something when she said suddenly:
‘I’m so tired…I feel my head…’
She bowed her head and then she heard him say:
‘Why are you afraid…you have committed no crime…you said…and I understand about the child. I can try to understand how you feel about the child you lost…’
She continued to bow her head.
‘You’re tired…I see that…’, the priest said and then was silent again. He looked at her with her head bowed. He said:
‘You want to be silent..to pray.. You know how to pray, Teresa…’
‘Yes..I know prayers…’, She said raising her head. They were silent. The priest then turned and looked at her. She was looking directly at him with a frightened look in her eyes. Then Teresa closed her eyes quickly.
‘It’s the baby…I lost the child..I feel lost…you can feel like that can’t you..’
‘Of course…’ the priest said quickly…
‘And I am afraid..I feel afraid sometimes…’
‘Of what…your husband ..are you afraid of him?’
Teresa looked at the priest quickly as if to understand his question.
‘What do you mean..?’, she asked as the priest looked steadily at her.
‘I mean..Teresa…I just ask…do you talk to him…do you tell him how you feel..’
‘About what?’ Teresa said without thinking…’You mean the child…Father..but that was months ago…he thinks I have recovered or I don‘t care..I don‘t know actually..we don‘t really talk about it..…I mean we don’t talk about it…and I don’t want to talk about it…he’s busy…I just needed someone to talk to now…I’ll be alright…‘
The priest was silent. Then he spoke:
‘What do you fear…Teresa?’
‘I fear..nothing. Father ..but…I mean I am anxious…I want to change..I fear things…’
‘You want to change…you are afraid…I understand that you are afraid and it is the child you lost..that is it..is that the centre of your fear..the heart of it?’
‘I think so…I’m not sure..I feel guilty…you can feel guilty sometimes don‘t you?’
‘Yes..but it’s not your fault…’
Teresa sighed
‘We would have liked a child..I mean my husband…me..’
‘I know…of course you would…’
‘But…’
‘Are you afraid of something specific…you are not hiding anything from your husband…you said you were afraid…’
Teresa puckered her eyebrows..This question surprised her but it raised an issue that was bothering her: The question whether she could have a child. The nurse had mentioned something to her in confidance which she never told her husband.
‘I told you Father.. I am afraid of nothing..I just want…’
‘What..what do you want..child.. You want to confess…I don’t see you at mass…I mean this church is open to you of course…’
‘I went to mass..you know..I remember my father bringing me..my mother died when I was young..’ she said softly.
‘I understand..’
Then she felt her head beginning to spin. She felt the priest becoming impatient with her or was he becoming impatient. His tone seemed to have changed and he had asked her if she was hiding something from her husband.
‘I don’t really want to talk…’, she said suddenly. Oh what was she saying. She didn’t know what she was saying.
‘You are tired, Teresa. Come back another time. I know you are tired.’
Then he looked at her as she said:
‘I lost the baby..father…I don’t understand Father…’ She felt the priest looking at her in a curious way. Did he think she was mad. She knew she had said this before. She was almost repeating herself. Then she stood up quickly. It occurred to her that he really might think she was mad and maybe tell this conversation to her husband. He might even put her in a lunacy asylum.
‘I’ve told you all this in confidance. You won’t tell my husband?’
‘Of course not, Teresa.’
The priest stood up also.
‘You have no secrets from your husband…’ the priest then said. She said then without thinking:
‘What if I can’t have a child..I mean the nurse mentioned it..a doctor too but I don‘t think they told him, my husband ..at least I don‘t know..They don‘t know for sure anyway..maybe I can…’
The priest looked steadily at her as she continued:
‘I don’t know anything..no..I’m not sure…I mean I don’t know..but I don’t know if I can have a child..I think…it just bothers me sometimes.’
‘Calm down…Teresa..you are guilty are you…don’t be…not everyone can have a child..it doesn’t matter…’
Teresa closed her eyes. Then she opened them quickly and said:
‘I have to go now, Father, thanks for everything..for this..for listening…’
The priest seemed surprised and confused as he watcher her turn and walk down the aisle. She turned suddenly and said:
‘I mean Father.. I have nothing to say..nothing to say.. I just wanted to talk…thank-you…but I lost my child…nothing can change that.’
The priest looked at her as she walked away. She stopped at the end of the aisle and turned. She seemed to wait for him to walk to her and he did. He said:
‘Calm down, Teresa…all this is in confidance…confession is in confidance if you decide..come back if you need to talk..talk to one of the nuns..if you want.. I understand.. Of course.. I am trying to understand…you lost the child…’
She felt like cursing saying :‘I lost the damned child…’
But she tried to contain her emotions.
‘No I have to go…no I have to go…’
‘Teresa..’
‘Yes…’ she said turning
‘The nuns are helping you…with some work..don’t leave the nuns..they are good, I think, for you…’
Yes’ she said almost dreaming
Then they looked at each other and she said automatically:
‘The child Father…the child…’
‘And it has affected you…I mean ..a death happens but is there something else..’ She felt a sudden quiet in the church. She felt it for the first time. This quiet, this serenity.
She sighed again and bowed her head. Then in her mind an image of a necklace came to her. Oh that damned necklace that Denby had given her. No-one had ever given her a gift like that. But why? Why this image. This necklace…that wasn‘t the reason surely…surely not….’ ‘
She opened her eyes quickly and she heard the priest say:
‘Marriage is a partnership…of course…marriage is sacred…Procreation is sacred…you can have children again..may it please God..’
‘I don’t know..’
The priest was silent.
‘The marriage is not false or invalid is it..?’
‘Of course not…if you love one another…and you might still have a child…you said yourself you are not sure..are you?‘
‘I suppose ..yes..’
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When she came to the countryside, she felt alone even though the railway was nearby and Denby still kept the rooms in the city for the foreseeable future. Maybe she wanted to be alone or she wanted to feel alone.
Yes it was a change to be in the countryside, some kind of change but still the new house wasn't far from the city. It was an old house too but there was something new about it and this newness was linked to the nearby railway. An old house in the countryside would remain an old house but then comes the railway and it becomes a new type of house.
In the first few weeks, Teresa had sat alone in the house. Denby worked in the city and kept some rooms there paid for by his boss. He tried to come to Teresa at least every week but certainly every few days. She didn't want to be lonely. She didn't want to act like a victim. She didn't want to be a victim. It wasn't right to portray oneself consciously as a victim. When she was alone too, she began to think of the future. Yes they would become a proper husband and wife. They would learn to be a proper couple. Soon Denby would live with her day in day out. What then? They would be a couple but without children. Yes without children, thought Teresa. Such lonely days will pass again.
The house needed renovation and Denby introduced her to Mrs Nelson a woman of about forty years, a tallish woman, taller than her anyway. She had hard skin but she could be pretty when she was young but she had grown stoutish. When Teresa talked to Antoinette later about her life with Denby, it was difficult to remember the months she spent with Mrs Nelson. Many days they spent alone together and Mrs Nelson taught her some housekeeping skills like making bread. When Mrs Nelson had to leave to look after her daugher who was about to give birth, she recommended a girl from the area called Addie.
One day when Teresa was in the kitchen at the back of the house, she heard some sounds in the hallway. She didn’t move. Her hands were full of flour and she just turned around from what she was doing. She looked at the kitchen door. She felt tired and dazed. Someone had entered the house. Maybe it was Mrs Nelson. She hadn’t seen Mrs Nelson in days. But Mrs Nelson had gone back to her daughter who was near childbirth. It couldn’t be her. She turned around fully and waited for the person to come into the kitchen and she wasn’t afraid. She felt instinctively it was some shy young girl or boy delivering a message or something. Then she remembered that Mrs Nelson had told her about a girl she recommended to her. Yes she had been expecting a girl to come to help her with the renovation. It was probably her. She felt too a presence outside the door.
Teresa shouted:
‘Anyone there? I’m in the kitchen’ the sound of her voice was strange to her. Yes it was not a country voice. She was aware of this when talking to Mrs Nelson but Mrs Nelson in her rough way had accepted her but now she was shouting aloud in her voice. It was the way she shouted when she was in the public houses with Jackson and Antoinette.
‘Yes, Ma’am, I am Addie..’
Teresa looked at the tall girl who came round the corner and stood in the doorway. She was svelte. It was her tallness and grace which made Teresa instantly question how this girl could be a maid but she put it out of her mind. This girl was perhaps nineteen years of age. She needed work and it was normal.
‘Sorry, my hands are full of flour..’ Teresa looked at her hands. The girl was quiet and she knew immediately that she had to behave like a mistress, like the head of a household. Without thinking, she scratched her hair.
‘Ma’am, you were expecting me? Addie Shaw, that’s my name.’
‘Yes.’ Teresa said.
They were quiet as Teresa felt the girl studying her. Teresa herself was in her thirties but she still had a youthful fresh look about her.
Maybe Addie was surprised how young her mistress was. Maybe she was surprised too at the slightly cosmopolitan and strange air about her new mistress. No, this was not how Addie was thinking but it was what Teresa believed the girl was thinking about her.
‘I’m lost..you’ll have to wait…’, Teresa said then.
‘Mrs Nelson..she’ll come to-morrow..she just told me to introduce myself..’
‘Yes. Oh yes..of course…and the house needs so much work…Mrs Nelson..she’s such a great…she helps..’, Teresa said grabbing a towel to wipe the flour from her hands.
She felt Addie looking closely at her and Teresa turned quickly. She looked into Addie’s face, she saw a strange affectionate and innocent look. Teresa smiled without thinking. When later she thought back about Addie, she remembered Addie’s innocence and kindness above all. There was a genuine softness and innocence in Addie. Teresa then pursed her lips and said looking across at Addie and continuing to wipe her hands:
‘You’ll have to wash..I suppose..do the garden….I mean wash floors..it’s the house that needs help..not me..the house needs washing..’ Teresa felt she was muttering and not making sense.
Teresa looked at Addie quickly and remembered then it was the early morning perhaps nine. She had risen early and had begun to make bread. She realized then that it was the beginning of the day.
Teresa leant against the sink;
‘I’m thinking..it’s morning..I thought it was afternoon for a minute…I’m sorry….will you have some tea and we’ll talk…’
‘Ma’am, I just wanted to introduce myself…I’ll start some work..I’m ready..’
‘Of course..’
They were silent as Addie looked steadily at her mistress and Teresa felt she was uncomfortable.
Then Teresa said:
‘Would you mind cutting the grass in the back…’
‘Of course, Ma’am’, Addie said quickly. Teresa continued to lean against the sink behind her. She didn’t know what to say. Yes she’d show this girl where the tools were. Then she heard the girl say:
‘Lie down Ma’am..rest..’ Addie said calmly.
‘No, I’m alright..Mrs Nelson will be here to-morrow..the house needs renovation,, it needs washing..it certainly does…and I’ll show you where the tools are now..for cutting.’
Teresa then walked over to the back door and into the garden at the back. There was an old shed and Teresa pointed to the shed with her head.
‘Is it an old house, Ma’am?’, the girl said then, She was a tall, svelte girl. A girl of intelligence yes, of spirit too. And above all she looked like a muse, an artist’s muse.
‘Yes, I think so, we wanted to move to the country, you see, Addie, my husband and I and he bought this house. This old house, it needs renovation, all right..’
‘Of course’.
Yes she felt tired. This was the first person Teresa had met for a long time. She had spent hours with Mrs Nelson and hours of course on her own too but now this girl came, this girl called Addie into her life.
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It was silent that evening, the silence of the evening, the silence of the coming nights. Still there were some sounds, the sounds of the night, someone lighting a fire, some vagrants, yes she didn't mind. And it was winter but you knew it was winter because of the early night and Teresa liked it. She looked at the figure now of Addie moving in the garden, now bending over to finish off something. Addie, yes she was a strong svelte girl. She had a lover, yes Addie had told her that and she said he was an artisan or something, yes that was what she said. What kind of artisan, yes, she could ask Addie that. Oh, oh such pain, such darkness, such peace. Denby seemed to be happy in the city, at least he was content in his j ob, in his life. So he was content, yes. This made Teresa think. Why was Denby content? Was he smugly content about something? Was this what happiness was? So he had married and found a profession..She was quiet then as she looked at Addie.
'You don't want to go home?', she said across to Addie. Addie didn't seem to hear and Teresa looked at her closely. Then she walked over to her and said:
'Addie, you want to go home..?'
'Ma'am, it's not finished..'
Teresa looked at her quickly.
'You call me Ma'am..'
'Yes, Ma'am..'
'I mean..Addie..you call me Ma'am...I mean..'
'Yes, Ma'am.'
Teresa was trying to ask her why she addressed her as Ma'am. Addie had addressed her like this for the few weeks she was with her but now in the darkness of the evening, something struck Teresa. No this was strange. She didn't want to be called 'Ma'am..' but the girl in front of her looking up at her, her hands covered in clay, seemed confused and Teresa said:
'You're a good worker, Addie..'
'Thank-you, Ma'am', Addie said looking up at Teresa. Yes Addie seemed confused. She was lost in her work .Yes that was why she seemed confused.
Then Teresa walked away and thought: 'Yes she'd like to talk to Addie properly..be a friend to her..yes Addie could be a good friend..but why didn't Addie talk to her as a friend...weren't they two people...alone together..and shouldn't they talk to each other...'
Teresa came over and Addie stood up. Addie stood looking at the garden and Teresa said:
'You can go home, Addie, I told you...'
'Thank-you, Ma'am..'
Teresa glanced at Addie who was wiping her hands.
'You have a man...Addie...'
'Yes, Ma'am..he's ...' Addie didn't blush at all at the mention of her lover. She stood tall and looked at Teresa. Instinctively she just knew her mistress wanted to make conversation. Yes her mistress was lonely. This woman, Mrs Denby...Mrs Teresa Denby was obviously a lonely woman. She knew that in the first few days she was in the house. But anyone would be lonely living away from one's spouse. Still she didn't think it right to broach conversation with Mrs Denby. There was something tempestuous about her, her temper, yes her quick temper. And above all this woman, Mrs Denby, this young mistress was lost. She seemed lost. Addie knew of course that Mrs Denby, her young mistress was a city girl. She had the accent, she had the quickness and a city-like sophistication. Addie liked that but she knew that some people looked down on this woman, Mrs Denby. Maybe it was because she wasn't from the countryside. Or Mrs Denby's own manner. But Mrs Denby didn't seem to have any friends. This had made Addie think in the first few days. Yes this young woman seemed lost, lonely and Addie wanted to talk to her but she didn't know if it was right to talk to one's mistress.
The girl continued:
'He’s in the city..he’s an artist…struggling..but he’s good ..he’s in the city, Ma'am.’
Then Teresa said suddenly
‘Call me Teresa..I’m not used to this..some day I’ll tell you my story…but it’s dark now.. you want to go home…go home when you’re ready, Addie. I’m going into the kitchen to make bread…’
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We were in the garden again a few evenings later, Addie and myself. I felt Addie looking at me as I stood in the garden looking into the woods nearby. I looked at her quickly. Yes she wanted to say something and I felt myself puckering my brow as I looked at her. Then Addie said:
‘You are lonely, are you not, Mrs Denby..I mean…’
‘Teresa’, I said softly but I felt as if she didn’t want to hear me. I knew she wanted to remain a distance from me, always to be a servant, or employee and myself, mistress or whatever.
‘I’m sorry’, I heard her saying and she was looking at me. What was she saying? Did she expect me to speak? I said quickly:
‘I mean my name is Teresa, we’re friends, are we not?’
‘I can’t. You know, Ma'am, I'd like to..’, Addie replied looking straight at me. There was nothing strange about this conversation. We had been working or at least been in each other’s company for weeks. She was like a stranger to me. She could be anyone. I wondered of course why she wanted to work for me, wanted to work as a house-servant or whatever. Wouldn’t she rather work in a factory or something? Still I never asked her. She lived with her mother and stepfather in the village. Maybe she needed to work nearby.
She was a beauty, yes, too who could captivate a man, perhaps an artist. She was thin. She had an angular but soft face and there was intelligence too in her eyes and yes, in some ways I was afraid of her beauty and intelligence together but she was kind and there was innocence too. Yes she could be a muse for an artist and a mistress of a house in time.
‘You like to have children?’, I heard myself saying. She looked at me but without puckering her eyes. She truly was an understanding type of girl but why did I ask this question. Oh I was confused!
‘Of course..’
‘With your sweetheart?’
She nodded. There seemed to be some silence then. I knew she didn’t want to speak. She wanted me to speak. She had answered the question with a nod and now I had to proceed. I looked round. I was trying to think. Yes I am so lonely. This girl thinks I’m mad.
‘I’m not lonely’, I said then without thinking.
‘You lived in the city, did you not.?’, Addie asked. I felt her standing away from me, that confident air about her, that self-confident air. She was kind, She had an open heart. Yes that was it. She had an open heart. She could love but she could be loved but in a second I knew then that this girl could be a wife, a lover, a mother. She was a woman, yes. That was it. There was a strange elegance about her.
‘Yes’, I said looking at her. I knew she didn’t want to address me as ‘Ma’am’. I wanted to smile but I didn’t. How could I? How could I be condescending to a girl like this?
‘You were born there. In the city, I mean, Mrs Denby?’
‘Yes’, I said looking at her and then away. Then I was conscious suddenly of the cold.
‘Oh it’s cold’, I said but I didn’t want to go inside and Addie seemed to know this. I looked at her:
‘You’re so smart, Addie…I mean..’
I was thinking then that Addie with her stature and svelteness could be an actress, a muse anyway. She was taller than me of course but she knew I had been in the theatre, worked there anyway. Would it be right for me to say that she could be an actress?
‘That’s the way my sweetheart talks..’ I heard her say. Oh it was cold.
‘Your sweetheart. does he..he’s an artisan is he?’, I replied quickly.
‘He works in metal…and he paints, he draws too..and photography…’
‘I’m sorry, Addie’, I said looking straight at her.
‘Photography, Ma’am..’
‘Of course..’ I said quickly..’I’m sorry…yes photography..and he sounds like a real artist..he admires you like a muse..does he..you know..Addie…’
‘Yes, Ma’am..I’m his sweetheart….’
‘Yes I think I know what photography is…is it art..it’s…I’ve not had my photograph..’, I said looking around.
‘Not when you were married?’, Addie said quickly. I looked at her quickly and I felt myself puckering my brow. What was Addie saying? A wedding photograph? But yes, she was right! Why wasn’t there a wedding photograph?
‘I’m sorry, I don’t understand, Addie…’, I said without thinking.
‘I mean you had your wedding photo..’
She knew I looked at her strangely. Of course..why didn’t Denby think about this but everything was so rushed.. I looked at her again.
There was silence.
‘Come inside, Addie..’
Inside in the salon, Addie stood a distance away from me. I stood too. I didn’t want to sit. If I sat, I knew she’d remain standing.
‘No I’m not lonely, Addie’, I said looking at her, almost saying the first thing that came into my mind.
‘I know..I know you want me to call you Teresa..I’d like that…I know you’re lonely..’
She was looking at me closely. I was silent and I knew she wanted to say something.
‘What is it, Addie?’
‘I’d like to introduce you to my sweetheart…you were in the theatre.. or I know you liked it…I mean you’re lonely..Ma’am..and he’s into art…and you like that…’
‘Yes I’d like that..’ I said without thinking.
‘He has his studio in the city. You miss the city, perhaps..’
I knew then that Addie felt I had few friends if any. Yes she had sympathy, pity for me. She was offering to introduce me to new people.
‘He can introduce you to people..’
‘I’d like that..’ I said quickly and in a flash, I saw the theatre again, the city, Jackson, Antoinette, a new start, a new beginning, a new life, a return to life, a return to real life. I felt Addie looking at me, almost studying me. She smiled shyly when I looked at her quickly.
‘Would you like some tea..you look cold..’ she said.
‘Thank-you, you’re kind, Addie’, I said softly.
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Addie introduced me then to her sweetheart. Kelvin was his name. I could talk to Kelvin about things that I couldn’t to Addie. I didn’t mind this. Why should I mind? But it was strange that Kelvin and I should become close. And I knew Kelvin was an outsider. He was like me. He didn’t know what he wanted and maybe he could talk to me. I came to him needing help and I knew he needed help. He had a heart that needed healing but Addie didn’t seem able to heal it or maybe she was able to heel him but Kelvin just didn’t want to be healed. Yes I think this was it.
I began to like Kelvin certainly as a friend. He was in his late twenties. Certainly older than Addie. He didn’t seem to know that much about Addie’s life, her work and it amused him, I think, at first to be talking to Addie’s employer but after a while, he saw me above all as a friend. If I had to think of a friend at this time, I thought of Kelvin. Addie was something, someone else. I couldn’t really talk to her, tell her I was afraid, really afraid.
I remember one afternoon a week after I met Kelvin when I went to Kelvin’s studio. I don’t know why. I was lonely. I was looking for someone in the cold winter streets and I decided to go in Kelvin’s direction, , where he lived. I went up the steps to his studio and I found him perhaps slightly drunk but still receptive. He needed friendship as much as I needed it. And it was cold too! It was winter. Addie was working in the countyside. I wanted to return to the city and Kelvin offered me a way. Addie had introduced me to Kelvin and she had given me a new lease of life.
‘I’m tired..’, Kelvin said sitting on a chair and looking quickly at me. I felt afraid that afternoon, angry..I don’t know but that afternoon made me look at Kelvin differently. We were friends. Addie had introduced me to a true friend.
Kelvin looked at me and continued:
‘What’s wrong, Teresa? You’re a frightened, angry..what animal…I can’t help you..will you help me..Teresa…?’
‘Addie…?’ , Teresa said softly.
He didn’t answer and then she said suddenly:
‘I’m afraid..you know..don’t ask me of what..Kelvin..’
Kelvin looked across at me and said:
‘Of your husband..it’s alright..Teresa..’ He was not surprised by the wild look in Teresa’s eyes. He knew the woman was troubled when Addie introduced her to him but now she was a friend. He likec to talk to her and she obviously had few friends. She had come to him twice in the past week.
‘I don’t know…I feel so sfraid…I mean I just thought of something in the last few days…I couldn’t tell Addie..’
She looked at Kelvin who seemed to be studying her. Then he said:
‘Wait, I need a drink.. you want anything..Teresa..’
‘No.. Kelvin…’
Kelvin still remained sitting and he seemed to be tired. Then Teresa said:
‘Wait Kelvin..’
‘You said you thought of something..Teresa..’
‘Yes..I’m afraid…’ Then Teresa stopped and seemed to think.
‘You’re mad, you’re wild..you’re angry..’
‘Stop it, Kelvin..stop it..but..I mean…I’m afraid..Kelvin..I am afraid..’
‘Of what, damn it, Teresa..’
Teresa seemed to realize she was talking almost like a mad woman and she said softly looking at him:
‘I don’t annoy you..do I..’
Kelvin looked at her:
‘Of course not..wait..I’m not angry with you..’ he said without thinking and yes he wanted to talk to this woman. Then he heard her say:
‘I went to see a priest..you know…after I lost the baby..’
‘Yes..’
‘I don’t think I can have children…’
She waited for Kelvin to speak but he seemed to be thinking of something and he looked at her.
‘I know what you mean..Teresa.. I understand you.. I think.. Teresa…and you’ve told Addie…’
‘Told Addie what?’, Teresa said quickly.
‘This? I mean you can confide in her..she likes you…she told me..she likes you as a friend not just as an employer…’
He saw a confused look in Teresa’s face and Teresa said:
‘I know that…but this place…all this reminds me of my old life ..in the theatre..’
‘I know..’
‘Wait..’ Teresa said then. They were silent as Teresa seemed to be thinking of something. Then she said:
‘But I don’t think I can have children.. I know it happens..but I’m afraid and how can a marriage work..I mean what’s it all about..all this..this marriage…’
‘I don’ t know..damn it..Teresa..what are you saying..are you afraid of your husband..wait I need a drink..’ Kelvin said looking round but still he remained seated.
‘Damn it Kelvin..’ Teresa said suddenly.
Kelvin looked at her steadily and said:
‘So what are you afraid of..?’
‘I told you, didn’t I, Kelvin..’
‘Am I mad…no Teresa..you didn’t damn tell me what you’re afraid of..you’re afraid that your marriage will fail..is that it..I don’t know..tell me..’ Kelvin then looked away. Teresa was quiet. Then she said:
‘And are you afraid, Kelvin?’
‘Yes, of Addie..I can see her beauty, her mind, her soul.. I am blinded.. I am afraid…’. Teresa smiled, She wasn’t sure if Kelvin was serious. Maybe he was joking.
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It was winter. The Victorian nights were long now. Before Teresa met Kelvin, she actually liked to sit with Denby in the evenings when he was at home. They were comfortable together in the silence. Still there was that ‘something’ in Teresa’s mind. And yes Teresa thought of it as an object, something. It was an object and that object was a mass of fear and anger, of anger and fear but she wasn’t sure that the cause was. She didn’t know exactly what this object was. She had told Kelvin about this fear and as she sat opposite Denby now, she remembered again Kelvin’s words, what he said about her fear. He had said that it was the fear of telling her husband she couldn’t have a child but was that it? Wasn’t it possible that she could have a child. No, was this the cause of her fear and anger? Teresa felt there was something else and now as she sat across from Denby, she let thoughts swim in her mind.
No, this mass of anger and fear involved something else. And she needed too find a light, a way, a new life. Maybe Kelvin was part or an integral part of this new life and it was the kind open soul of that girl Addie who had given her a chance. Addie offered her a way out but it was really Kelvin. Yes she was fortunate to meet Kelvin. Kelvin could have surely seduced her and taken advantage of her. Artists did this, didn’ t they but Kelvin was above all a friend and in her mind, she thanked him for this. Kelvin saw into her life and world in a way that Addie didn’t. Yes he seemed to understand her and she felt she could love him but she loved both Addie and Kelvin now. Addie was special too.
Teresa looked across at Denby reading the paper. Yes Addie was in her life now and there was Kelvin too. Yes she felt she could call him by his first name. Yes Kelvin was curious but why? He was an outsider. Yes she knew that. He was an artist. Maybe he liked to love. He was a lover. Maybe he liked to love women but there was Addie, that other curious figure and he liked her. At least he respected her. Or she was good for him and he knew that. Yes he knew that she was good for him. Oh why was she thinking of Addie and Kelvin now..why at this time..in the silence of the evening..sitting across from that stranger…Denby…Yes he was a stranger and she couldn’t understand him. Oh why couldn’t she make an effort to understand him in the way that she tried to understand Addie and Kelvin. But she didn’t want to understand Denby. Anyway she was tired.
Then she felt Denby looking at her. She rose without thinking and then suddenly he said:
‘You grow apart from me…we spend long evenings like this…quiet…’
Teresa turned and looked at him.
‘I’m sorry Henry.I don’t understand…I mean I’m tired…and it’s so quiet here..’ she said without thinking.
‘You mean you don’t like it here…’
‘Of course..yes…yes..actually I do.. Henry…I’m getting used to it still.. I know you have to work…and we’re still…we’re still…’
‘I know we’re a young couple..just married..I have to earn..you understand Teresa.. I’m grateful for that..a lot of women wouldn’t understand….’
Teresa turned away. She felt fragile ; She didn’t know what to say. What had she been thinking of ? Addie, Kelvin and now here is Henry asking her about something…She felt her mind was blank, like the evening outside, just one colour. Or maybe she just didn’t want to talk to Denby. Yet as she looked outside, she felt her mind becoming darker, oh those dark black thoughts. Was it the baby again? She still didn’t really know if Denby thought about that child. No it wasn’t a child, it wasn’t a baby, it was a pre-born baby..whatever..still it could have been a child.
Teresa walked slowly to the door. She stopped and looked back at Denby who looked up.
‘I want to go to bed…’, Teresa said..’ you stay here.. I just want to rest…I'm tired’
‘yes…', Denby said. Then as she turned away, he said quickly:
‘It’s not the baby again..do you still think…’ She looked back at him. What was he saying? Just because she was tired..he thought she was troubled..oh she was...and she had been thinking of the baby..but she didn't want to talk now. She replied:
‘Of course I do…do you not think about it…?’
‘Yes Teresa but these things happen don’t they…of course… I want a child..but there’s still time…’
She nodded and then walked out of the room.
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Teresa walked through the cobbled streets to Kelvin’s studio. She walked through the courtyard and then she went upstairs and knocked softly. There was no answer. Then it dawned on her that the door might be open. Yes the door was open when she turned the handle. She looked inside and there was no-one but perhaps he was in the kitchen or the bedroom. She was afraid to enter the room fully and she stood at the doorway looking in. Oh why was she afraid! She wondered then what Kelvin must think of her. Did he think of her as almost a mad woman, a woman so lonely that she made friends with anyone, that she jumped at the opportunity to meet new people, anyone, and now Kelvin was the unfortunate man she was pestering for friendship.
Then she closed the door quickly and walked briskly downstairs. She felt her head ringing, spinning. What was she doing here…why did she coming here to that girl’s lover..Addie’s lover…? Yet she felt that this man, Kelvin, understood her. He was an outsider like her. Yes she thought of him as a kind of outsider. He was an artist but he wasn’t a certain kind of artist, the lonely artist, the artist who was an outsider. Yes. But above all she could talk to him and she felt he was lonely too. Yes. H had asked her to come back. He had said too that he wanted to be her friend..yes he was a kind young man..an artisan with an open heart…an open mind..an open soul.. and yes she was so lonely..she felt she needed help… and Addie had given her almost a chink of light to help her and she grasped at this chink of light with the energy that she still possessed.
She stood in the courtyard below his studio and then she decided to go back. Yes she had come to the city and she just wanted to talk to someone. He was really the only friend she had, the only one she could talk to. Yes it was sad but she needed to follow that chink of light. She walked back up the stairs to the studio and opened the door and walked inside. Maybe he was inside after all. Then suddenly as she stood almost in the middle of the room, she saw his bedroom door open and out walked a woman. She knew instinctively it was a prostitute. The woman glanced at her but walked swiftly out of the studio. Then there was Kelvin standing at the doorway of the bedroom fully dressed, looking directly at her, almost inquisitively. His face was serious but you felt that his eyes were smiling.
‘Kelvin..’ she said. She didn’t know whether she heard him. Oh she must explain why she was there. Then she smiled and she looked over at him. He smiled too.
‘Don’t tell Addie…’
Teresa without thinking bowed her head to signal she wouldn’t. She made the gesture in a theatrical way and when she rose her head, Kelvin was smiling again. He said:
‘What Teresa…don’t tell Addie will you…I said..you heard me.’
‘Of course Kelvin..’ she said looking straight at him.
Teresa without thinking turned to the window.
‘Wait I’ll just tidy myself..I’ll be back..take a drink.. Teresa..’, Kelvin said turning back into his bedroom.
Then Teresa found herself standing at the window. What was all this about? Now suddenly she had a secret to keep from that girl. Yes here was Kelvin asking her to keep a secret but was it a secret. She didn’t really think it important whether a man saw prostitutes or not. Then as she thought about this, she felt images of her own life as a prostitute come before her. Oh she didn’t care what Kelvin did. All she wanted was friendship. She’d keep these damned secrets..whatever..all she wanted was someone to talk to..Oh she could talk to this man Kelvin…
Then Kelvin stood at the doorway. She looked quickly at him. He seemed to be worried.
‘Don’t worry..’, Teresa said softly, ‘I should have knocked. Oh don’t worry’.
She was quiet then as she felt his eyes on her. Was he angry? Then she said:
‘What’s her name…I used to live around here..’
He didn’t answer at first. Then he said quickly.
‘What do you care?’ She was quiet. She didn’t know what he wanted. She tried to say again not to worry but he said:
‘I don’t want to bargain with you..teresa…’
‘Wait Kelvin…you misunderstand me…. of course…I won’t tell her..I said I won’t tell Addie..lots of men see girls..I mean..’ For a second she thought of telling him she had worked as a prostitute but she stopped.
‘You mean..’ he muttered.
‘I like Addie..’ Teresa said looking at him trying to think what she should say. Yes this man seemed to be worried she should tell Addie. Yes from his side, she was his sweetheart’s employer. But she wouldn’t.
‘yes so do I…but what does that mean..’ he was quiet. Then he continued:
‘Sorry Teresa, I understand..you won’t tell her..I mean ..Addie..I love her..she’s my girl..you understand Teresa..’
Teresa nodded as he walked over to a chair and sat down.
‘Oh I’m tired..oh all this.. I’m sorry..I need ..I think I need people like you..I mean that’s why you’re here..you’re lonely…you know I’m trying to understand you, Teresa. Yes Addie works for you..but you’re a friend..I’m sorry..I’m just tired..’
‘I’m sorry Kelvin..I should have knocked..but I told you..I mean…it’s a secret..I know you like Addie..’
‘Yes, yes Teresa..I know..I’m just tired..’
He sat still. Then he looked up at her and said suddenly:
‘I like you..Teresa ..a kindred soul..someone who needs friendship..people…I do…I think I do…Yes..oh you’re ..we can understand each other, can’t we, Teresa?’
‘I think so..’ Teresa said softly looking at him.
‘Stay here’,he said without raising his head. Then he looked at her. Teresa wondered then: Was he drunk? Maybe he was. He was behaving strangely..oh she didn’t know. Then he continued:
‘Be my friend, yes be my friend, Teresa, you’re so understanding..yes I like Addie…I need her..that is the important thing…yes’.
‘Yes’, Teresa said as Kelvin beckoned to a chair. They were silent then as Kelvin rose and went into a small kitchen. He came out with two glasses of wine.
‘Sit down, be at home…’
He looked at her closely.
‘What is it?’, he asked.
‘No Kelvin.. I just wanted to tell you..that you’re a friend.. I need a friend…don’t worry about that..you know.... I have no-one..I don’t…I mean I’m just an ordinary working girl who married good…I did .. I think.. But I’m lonely.. I am…I have ..I mean I have nothing…I mean I have things to do…but there’s no ..there’s no meaning..can you say that.. I miss work,.. I know a woman shouldn’t say that…I miss..surviving…’ She felt Kelvin looking at her strangely. Oh she was babbling. She was talking like a mad woman. Oh she hoped Kelvin would understand her. Then he said:
‘I know..of course.. Teresa…you’re at home.. I told you you’re a friend..’
The next time Teresa came to see Kelvin was two weeks later. He was a real friend now, a confidant, someone she could talk to. And he had that temper, that manner of speaking which was like Jackson and Antoinette but he was obviosly from a different background. He was a way too for Teresa of returning to something, of creating a life for herself. She ached to create a life for herself which she felt she lost when she married Denby.
Now Teresa sat listening to Kelvin who sat in front of her. He was drunk too. Still she had nowhere to go. Denby was not coming home that evening. Then she heard Kelvin speaking:
‘I love Addie..’ he said. Then Teresa rose and looked outside. She did it without thinking. She turned quickly as Kelvin's voice seemed to rise.
‘Lonely angry woman..listen to me..I’m talking to you..I know we don’t sleep together..’
She looked at him closely. What was he saying? He mentioned 'sleeping together'. Oh he was drunk.
She smiled without thinking and he looked at her wildly.
‘We can sleep together can’t we..we can kiss can’t we and no-one will know..’, he said. Teresa herself was not surprised by these words. She was used to Kelvin's temperament. He could speak like this. There was also the fact that they shared a secret from Addie and this flashed before Teresa's mind now. Still besides this, they had a close friendship. They were two souls who met and quickly understood each other.
Then she said almost provocatively:
‘But you said you love Addie. So what does this mean..Kelvin?’
He seemed surprised. He didn't reply and she said:
‘Sleeping together won’t mean anything..there is no meaning…artist…artist..’ she said quickly. She didn't know why she said this. She felt angry suddenly and this drunken's man presence annoyed her.
‘Is that an insult…you mean that as an insult..are you calling me an artist..is that an insult..’, she heard him say.
She was quiet as she tried to think. She had drunk three glasses of wine and she felt tipsy but she tried to control her mind. What was he saying? What was this argument about? She tried to think, She must leave.
'Kelvin, I must leave, are you alright?', she said then.
'What are you saying? Are you leaving ? Wait..what were we talking about..you can't leave..'
She replied:
'You don't know...'
'Wait Teresa, you think I'm drunk, useless...but my ....Addie..' he seemed to murmur.
She stood waiting for him to continue as he said:
'No, I don't want to think of Addie. So you will not tell Addie about the prostitutes..'
Teresa was surprised by Kelvin's sudden lucidity. So he still thought about this. He still thought that she might tell Addie about this. This surprised Teresa. Did he not believe they had a bond, a true friendship?
Teresa was silent as she turned away. Then she heard him shout:
‘Yes I am..damned fool..why don’t you tell her…’
Oh he was drunk!
'Wait Kelvin, what are you saying...you're drunk..you know this..', she said.
‘Well I’ll wager…angry woman..you have always hidden your damned feelings..you are hiding them now..you come here..from your husband..you have nowhere to go...oh lonely woman..'
Teresa stood looking at him.
'Wait, you're mad. Yes I have nowhere to go. I am lonely.' Then she was quiet. She waited and she saw that these words seemed to calm Kelvin down as he put his head in his hands. He murmured:
'Sorry Teresa, wait.. do you want anything...food, drink before you go...'
He looked up quickly as she said:
'No..thanks...Kelvin..'
There was silence as Kelvin looked at her. He said:
'But why do you come here.. I don't understand..we can talk, can't we.. I know I've drunk.. I don't want to hurt you..'
'Yes'.
'Yes what?', he said quickly. Then as she remained silent, he said:
'Oh I had a bad day. That damned painting is ruined.'
'Well don't talk to me like this..I'm going..' Teresa said but she still remained at the window.
He said then:
'Are you afraid? You told me you're afraid....why are you here..why…and you talk to me of feelings…’ he put his head in his hands. What was Kelvin saying? Then without thinking, she walked over to his side and pushed him. He fell heavily to the floor but he was drunk so he didn't feel anything. She knew this as he looked up surprised. She felt angry as she looked at him and he looked up almost helplessly.
'What was that, Teresa?', he said innocently.
'You're not angry..' she said without thinking. Then she said:
'But you don't trust me...' Words came from her automatically and spontaneously. She continued:
'I'll go soon...Oh I feel week..get up off the floor...sorry..but you're...you were saying things...you're angry..'
Kelvin rose and leant his hands on the back of the chair. He looked confused as he said:
'What's all this about? You pushed me. Why?'
'You mentioned my husband..Oh I don't know..sorry Kelvin..oh I feel drunk...you are Kelvin..I'm sorry for pushing you but please don't say anything...you're drunk...' she said walking away.
‘You are an angry woman..’ he said trying to smile. As he looked at her he realised that he had said something to hurt her. Yes he probably should be quiet.
She stood looking at him at a distance as he still leant against the chair.
‘I’m not going to hit you..I’m sorry..Teresa.. I know I said something..Oh I think that woke me up..anyway..you pushing me....’ He saw Teresa still standing timidly at the window. He smiled to himself. She looked lost. He said then:
‘I said it's alright…you were right to push me…it’s alright Teresa…’
‘Sorry Kelvin..’ she muttered.
‘What were we talking about…Teresa..I forget…’, he said.
'I don;t know..I think you mentioned my husband..me..Addie. ..’
He looked at her steadily.
'Addie?'
'Yes, Addie is good for you..' Teresa said.
'Yes, Addie's a precious, kind heart..soul', he said dreamily.
'You said you loved her, Kelvin.'
'Did I? I mean she likes me..so why wouldn’t I ..she gives me food ..money…oh I know I’m an artist…yes Teresa..that’s what you were saying..you called me a damned artist..oh it’s alright..angry woman…’, he said. He seemed to be thinking, to be concentrating, trying to remember and Teresa looked away. Then she looked back and said:
‘Kelvin..why do you call me an angry woman..I’m not..I’m not…I’m afraid…I feel ..I don’t feel well but I’m not angry...I come here to you..maybe I’m lonely...I need friends..you’re a friend..Kelvin..’
Then he saw her walking over to him and she put her hand on his shoulder.
’Sorry Kelvin..I didn’t mean to push you…’
‘I know..Teresa..’. He felt his eyes closing and he heard her saying:
‘Alright you’re tired..will I go…’
‘You stay here if you want..’
‘You know I shouldn’t come here so often..I feel so foolish actually..I mean..I’ve no life and I’m looking for a life..it feels like that…’, Teresa said.
‘You’re lonely..I don’t mind..I’m lonely…you’re my friend..you’re addie’s friend..' he stopped and then he said smiling, ’but I don’t tell her about this…this is private..this is secret…I don’t tell her everything…about us…’
‘Oh and what is there to tell..we don’t kiss..do we..we don’t lie together…’ she said.
‘We could kiss now..’ he said but he closed his eyes. He had said this without thinking and Teresa knew this. He said then:
'Damn I’m tired..I need to lie down…’
He walked into the bedroom. He shouted back:
'Teresa,stay as long as you like. I'm tired..'
'No, I'm going now..' Teresa replied from the next room.
It was strange that when Addie left to work in the city, Teresa stopped immediately going to see Kelvin. As she sat alone in the house, she tried to remember Kelvin and what he said, his words. Yes she should go back to him. He was her friend after all and he had become more of a friend to her than Addie. Maybe she'd return to him. It just didn't feel right now that Addie was gone. Addie had told her of course to visit her and Kelvin. Anyway Addie left and Teresa in a way expected it. One day Addie said that she wanted to work in the city. She had looked into Teresa’s eyes and said that it wasn’t that she wanted to live or work nearer to Kelvin. No that wasn’t it. Addie said she didn’t want to live near him or with him. She told too that she felt that she wasn’t suitable for Kelvin. Teresa didn’t ask her the reason.
When Teresa did meet Kelvin again months later, the relationship with Addie had ended. He had left Addie or more precisely she had left him. Yes, Teresa knew that Kelvin hadn’t the courage, the spirit to end it with Addie and why should he. He actually seemed to like Addie. Maybe he went with other women but he liked Addie. Yes he liked Addie. Teresa knew that he did. He looked up to her. She herself looked up to Addie and admired her spirit, that soul, that soul of Addie. In Addie she felt there was an unquenchable spirit. When later she met Frederika, Teresa felt too that there was an unquenchable spirit in her and yes Frederika was special to her. Still in Addie there was that spirit too but there were different types of unquenchable spirit.
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It was early spring now but you felt it was still winter. There was a winter air as Teresa woke up suddenly. She had slept lightly. The sound of Denby’s voice was in her mind from the argument two days before. She hadn't gone to see Kelvin for weeks and as she woke, this thought came to her but there was also Denby. There was just herself in the house now. She needed to stay in the house, do more work. She couldn't afford to visit Kelvin so often. Yes Mrs Nelson came occassionally but it was just herself. She was getting used to the silence of the house, a new silence around her now that Addie was gone. But there was that argument with Denby. She wasn't sure what it was about and that argument of course shattered the silence, her silence, the silence of the house.
She rose now. She didn't know what time it was. There was sun streaming into the room. She hadn't pulled the curtain but it could still be early, maybe dawn. She walked to the window. The thought that she shouldn't be here came to her. Why was she here? Why was she looking at this sun? The image of Kelvin, then of Jackson and Antoinette came to her. Yes she was used to the city. She needed to work. She couldn't see Kelvin but maybe she'd visit him again. She really needed a life...
She looked round the room in the low soft light, and she looked into the shadows. Then she dressed quickly. The sun was in the sky. And there was that headache. What was that argument about.. love or something...he asked her did she love him... She stood still. Maybe he was right to ask this? Kelvin and Addie and the old life were in her mind for a while now but since Addie went, there was a change in the air. Yes maybe she should be in the house more, more a wife, more a worker..' She walked to the bed quickly and sat down. she felt strange..No she needed to go outside into the air...She needed to walk..and she decided to go into the woods nearby. She knew there were gypsies there but she didn't mind and the image of the gypsies in the early sunlight made her smile. She rose and walked downstairs quickly. She looked at some bread lying on the table but she didn't feel hungry. Then she walked outside into the fresh sunlight. The woods were not far away and in minutes, she was standing on the edge of the woods. There was a fire in a clearing in the distance and she watched it carefully.
Then thoughts came to her as she stood on the fresh morning grass. She thought of Denby : Yes he had provided for her, she was his wife but he had paid for everything, for her food, everything. And he really got nothing back and yet he didn’t seem to expect anything. Yes he expected support and he expected her to be a proper wife and he had those middle-class ideas of marriage…being proper and all.. appearances..or maybe he didn’t.....no the working class had ideas like these too about being proper..all that..doing the right thing..doing the right thing in society....She stopped thinking as she looked at the fire in the clearing ahed. She felt the fire made her think more clearly and she thought again of Denby ...No..the main thing was..that this man paid for her and provided her..he gave her everything..she really seemed to have married Denby for comfort and security, a house…Jackson had said something like this….and she had in a way lied to Denby..was she not dishonest to him..she never shared anything..never told him about her old life..about what she wanted..but what she really wanted, she couldn't tell him..didn't she really want freedom…whatever that was..and she wanted a proper life…you know…to be independent..to survive…not be so reliant. Yes, she felt she was living a false life..she had married him for comfort and security but was this what life was..surely life required one to be independent in some way.. yes, as a wife she had to be with her husband and support him..make a home..but she seemed to rely on him for everything..she had no life on her own. Wasn’t it right too to bring something to the marriage..but she brought nothing..yes..nothing at all..she brought nothing to society either. She lived on the outskirts. She was not really living...wasn’t there something wrong in her life…surely there was something wrong..yes..
She stood still in the woods. Yes she really felt tired. Why? Was it the argument ? Or did she feel empty. She thought suddenly of Kelvin. Why didn't she see him? Just because Addie left her employment shouldn't stop her visiting him but she felt too that Addie and Kelvin had split, that they had ended their relationship. Towards the end of her employment, Addie talked less and less of Kelvin and for Teresa, this did not go by unnoticed.
Suddenly there was a movement among the trees and Teresa remained still. Then she saw some figures walking towards her. They were two girls, two gypsy girls. Teresa turned in the other direction. Then she heard a girl's voice:
'Madam..'.
Teresa turned quickly.
There were two girls in front of her. As she looked at them, she felt impatient. She wanted to get back to the house and have some breakfast.
'What is it?', Teresa asked.
She felt the older girl, a girl of nineteen or perhaps twenty studying her and as she turned to look at her this girl said:
'Madam. You have food..?’ There was silence. She looked at the younger girl, a girl of perhaps fourteen. Then she heard the older girl say:
'We just want food..'
Then suddenly she felt weak and she leant against a tree. She closed her eyes and murmured, addressing the girls
'Wait, don't come near me..I'm just tired..I'll give you something..'
Then she opened her eyes and the girls were looking steadily at her, studying her. She walked away from the tree and looked over in the direction of the fire.
'Is that your fire?', she asked.
'Yes, Madam', the older girl said.
'You don't have food..' Teresa said almost to herself.
'Yes Madam, please give us food..' the older girl replied.
'Yes', Teresa said dreamily. Then she turned back and the older girl who said almost immediately:
'We just want to talk..Do you live near here?'
'Of course', Teresa said quickly but then the thought flashed before her that she shouldn't tell them where she lived. She said then:
'Alright, I'll give you food..but I don't have it now..'
'That's alright....'
The two girls stood waiting for Teresa to speak and Teresa said:
'I'll leave it on this stump here..later...'
'This morning?', the younger girl said.
'Yes..bread and cheese..is that alright...'
'Yes', the older girl said.
'We are hungry', the younger girl said suddenly and Teresa said quickly:
'Alright, I'll get the food now..I am sorry…I am sorry….alright…I’ll get food and I’ll come back…’
‘You live locally then…’, the older girl said.
‘Yes.’
They were quiet as Teresa looked quickly at the two girls. She said:
‘Why do you ask me so many questions…I said I’d get you food…’
The older girl replied:
‘We don’t mean to annoy you Madam.. continue your walk..you can give us food when you’re ready../we don’t expect you to have it with you…just leave it here on tha stump and we’ll collect it. We’re hungry that’s all…’
Teresa looked over at the stump.
‘Yes…of course..I’ll leave it on the rock….’.
She tried to smile and walked away. Then she looked back and met the eyes of the older girl who smiled at her.
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When Teresa returned to the woods later that morning, she saw the older girl sitting beside the stump. The girl rose as she saw Teresa approaching with the package off food. The girl smiled and Teresa smiled unconsciously. As Teresa came nearer, the girl said quickly:
‘You are pretty when you smile…Madam…’
Teresa was quiet as she looked at the girl. Suddenly she felt this was like a dream. It was like a dream to be in these woods with this gypsy girl away from the old life in the theatre, the city. What had happened to her?
‘What’s wrong..Madam..?’ the girl said and Teresa realised that she had been silent.
‘Nothing…’, Teresa replied and she felt instantly there was a strange kind of attraction between her and this girl.
She handed the package to the girl and the girl said:
‘My name’s Maria Antonina..what’s your name..madam..?’
‘Teresa..’
‘You are married?’
‘Why are you asking me? I gave you food.’
'Yes, Madam, thank-you.'
The girl sat still on the stump with the package in her hand.
'You eat...' Teresa murmured.
'Sorry Madam...'
'I'll bring it back to the others...' the girl said. Then the girl said suddenly:
'I need a wash, Madam. I really need to wash...'
Teresa looked at her questioningly.
'I don't understand..I can't allow..'
'Is it your husband?'
Teresa was quiet as she looked away. She was trying to think. Surely there was nothing wrong with the girl bathing in her house. This sudden meeting with the girl called Maria Antonina surprised her and had taken her off guard.
'No, wait..', Teresa said as the girl rose. The girl said almost childishly:
'But I need to wash..You understand..You're a woman...I don't like being dirty...'
'No..you ask too much…Maria…please take your food…I’m tired..I gave you food..so leave me alone…’
The girl remained there. Teresa looked at her. In her gypsy dress, she looked pretty. She had a fresh innocent face but you knew she hadn't washed for a while. There was her slender figure. Yes she needed food, Teresa saw this and she needed a wash. A pretty girl like her would like to bathe herself, wash herself and be like a proper woman. Teresa was about to speak when the girl said:
‘Am I annoying you..you look angry..you’re angry..why are you angry, Madam..?'
Teresa said quickly:
'No, you can wash in my house..'
'Your husband..what about your husband..', the other replied.
'He's not in the house to-night..I live there in the first house ..I told you you can wash...'
'Thank-you, Teresa. Can I can you Teresa...you are beautiful..'
This made Teresa smile. She had never been called beautiful except by her husband. Then Teresa realised she had been standing here for a while with this gypsy girl. She turned to go and the girl said:
'Wait, thank-you for the food...why are you in a hurry... Teresa..'
Teresa turned:
'Maria, is that your name?'
'Maria Antonina', the other said quickly.
'Come to the house to-night..'
'Yes….Teresa…’
Teresa was surprised by the girl's innocence and quick manner. She leant back against the tree and looked over at Maria Antonina.
'Sorry Teresa...' the girl said. Then Teresa turned and tried to smile at the other.
'I have to go now..'
'Thank-you..' Maria Antonina replied.
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Maria Antonina stood at the backdoor, the shimmering light of the moon behind her. Teresa looked up at the moon and then beckoned the girl inside. There was something strange about this. There was something captivating, sophisticated, erotic about a girl, a young woman bathing in her house. Teresa was allowing the young woman to bathe in her house. No, she was allowing the woman to wash herself. For as Maria Antonina entered, she said:
‘Thank-you Madam for allowing me to wash. I want to feel clean, you know..’
‘Yes’, Teresa said.
Then as the young woman stood in the kitchen, Teresa said:
‘There is a bath upstairs, it’s old and I’ll bring you water…’
The girl walked upstairs almost without being told and looked down at Teresa. She was obviously shy and Teresa was suddenly surprised by the girl’s candour, her sophistication, her confidence.
She tried to say:
‘Wait…’
‘Your husband doesn’t know…I feel so dirty..’ Teresa looked into the kitchen. She must heat the water. She looked up at the girl. Yes the young woman obviously wanted to wash herself. Then Teresa went upstairs and into the spare bedroom. On one side was the bath.
‘Can I undress…?’, Teresa heard the young woman say. Teresa didn’t answer. Again she felt her head spinning. What was happening? She didn’t understand. She didn’t want to understand. Was there a kind of seduction taking place. She never knew or she had only heard vaguely about the seduction of one woman by another woman. Then she felt the young woman turning to her:
‘Can I call you Teresa…you are kind, Teresa…’
‘Wait here, I’ll get the water…’
As she walked away, she thought: Oh my God, why don’t I fill the bath completely…She returned to the room and said:
‘Maria Antonina, would you mind…I’ll fill the bath first..will you wait..’
‘Of course, Madam…’
Then the young woman sat on the bed. She seemed to study Teresa as Teresa glanced at her and walked downstairs. She carried up the buckets of water while the girl sat on the bed. Then Maria Antonina suddenly rose after Teresa carried up three buckets:
‘Let me help you Madam..’ and Maria Antonina went downstairs and helped Teresa to carry up some buckets.
‘That’s enough Madam…I’m grateful..you know that…’
‘You’re kind..you’re sweet…’
Teresa stood then in the doorway as the woman began to undress. The young woman turned and Teresa said:
‘I’ll be downstairs…’
She thought she heard the woman say:
‘Wash me..will you wash me…’ Teresa just felt her head spinning and she turned and walked downstairs. As she did, a thought came to her. It was that necklace that Denby gave to her. She had put it in the sideboard in that spare bedroom that the girl was washing in. As she sat in an armchair downstairs, she thought quickly: I can’t let that necklace go..she can’t steal it….I don’t know this girl..I allow her into my house…I don’t know her…She could steal…but she’s gentle…but…
Then Teresa thought suddenly of the girl’s eyes. There was something in her eyes, a hard glint. Her skin was clear and fresh from being in the sunlight and then the moonlight but her eyes…they were hard…or there was a shine in them..she was certainly a tough woman…a young woman reared in hardship…
Then Teresa rose quickly and without thinking walked upstairs. She heard the sound of the girl washing herself and she walked to the room and pushed the door open. She stood still. The girl turned to her but she didn’t cover her breasts. Teresa said:
‘You want something to dry yourself…’
Maria Antonina didn’t seem to hear. Then Teresa heard the other say:
‘You have spare clothes…?’
Teresa looked at her.
‘Madam, you hear me…’, she heard Maria Antonina say.
The smell of the young woman’s body was in the room. The girl’s clothes were on the floor and the girl too was obviously shy and embarrassed. Yes she wanted to wash herself and Teresa knew this but Teresa felt attracted by something. Was she attracted by the young woman? She didn’t know. There was certainly something new about all this.
Then she heard the girl say:
‘You don’t mind me being here..?’
‘No, Maria..no, no..’
‘Alright…and you are lonely, Madam, aren’t you…?’
Teresa smiled but she felt strange, she felt weak, feeble like a child and this young woman was the real adult. The young woman was in control. That was how it felt anyway.
‘Lonely, why do you ask?’, Teresa said after a pause. She had got used to the girl’s nakedness. The girl herself didn’t seem to mind. Then Teresa said suddenly:
‘Will I leave, do you mind me being here.. I mean…I didn’t ask you…’
The girl continued to wash herself with a cloth. She didn’t seem to hear Teresa and obviously didn’t mind Teresa in the room. Yes this girl wasn’t afraid to be naked. Teresa said then:
‘I’m sorry, Maria..you asked me if I have clothes..no I don’t…I would..of course..give them to you..’
The young woman turned and looked at her. There was that hard look.
‘A blouse..a shirt anything…’
Teresa looked at her quickly and said:
‘A shirt…I can give you a shirt…yes..’
Then she left the room and came back with an old shirt that she had put in a box in her room.
‘Thank-you, Madam..’ she heard the girl say as she put it on the floor.
‘Oh…I think I’ll rest..’ Teresa said suddenly. She felt weak.
She said:
‘Do you mind…I just want to rest..lie on the bed..’
‘Yes, Teresa…’
She lay on the bed and she wasn’t aware that she had fallen asleep until she woke suddenly. Maria Antonina was lying beside her and Teresa raised herself quickly. She saw that the girl was naked. The girl raised herself too on her side and began to stroke Teresa’ throat.
‘Do you mind..Teresa..I just want to lie here with you…’
‘What are you doing?’, Teresa said quickly but still she remained beside the young woman as the girl stroked Teresa's breasts.
‘You don’t mind…I don’t want to go back to the woods..I have washed…can I stay here..just for a night..your husband is not here, is he?’
‘Maybe..I suppose’, Teresa heard herself say but she felt powerless to do anything.
‘You like me to touch you, Teresa..will you touch me..?’
Then the girl brought Teresa’s hand onto her abdomen but Teresa didn’t do anything.
The girl raised herself then and began to rub Teresa’s abdomen and then her breasts. There was something clumsy about the girl’s movements, about this seduction but Teresa didn’t mind. In her mind, Teresa was captivated by the girl’s confidence as well as by the new experience. Then she heard the girl say:
‘You are tired.. Teresa.. can I undress you..so we can lie together..’
Teresa rose without thinking. She stood up beside the bed looking down. Maria Antonina didn’t move. Then the young woman stirred and walked round to Teresa and began slowly to undress her. Moonlight was streaming into the room as Teresa looked at the girl’s face as she concentrated on undressing Teresa.
As they lay in the bed together, moonlight lit the ceiling above and a cold air seemed to fill the room. Teresa didn’t know whether it was the blood racing in her. All she could see was the moonlight. Was she imagining everything? There was that colour on the ceiling, those colours filling the room, that light filling the room, that was moonlight and there was Maria Antonina beside her, softly caressing Teresa’s own naked body.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teresa woke suddenly and immediately knew that the young woman had gone. Surely it must be still early but she felt the girl had left. She rose quickly and dressed and walked quickly into the next room. Then she walked downstairs. There was no-one. Suddenly the image of the necklace came to her. She can’t have stolen it surely. She walked quickly upstairs and looked in the sideboard where she put it. The necklace was still there! She kept the necklace like a treasure. Still she felt it was the only real possession she had. Denby had given it to her when he was in love with her. She felt he gave to her as a real gift. It was something meant for her, her alone, and if anything happened, if they should divorce or whatever, she felt she still had that necklace. And she could pawn it for money, sell it, whatever. That was the important thing!
Anyway the necklace was still in the drawer but surely the girl had stolen something. Why had she left so early? Teresa walked back into her bedroom and looked around. Was there anything missing? She wasn’t sure. No she couldn’t be sure if anything was missing. Then as she looked, the memory of the previous night came to her, the girl caressing her. Why did she not think this was wrong? Was this not deceiving Denby. Why did this not bother her? Why? Then suddenly a thought came to her. Oh my God, this girl could blackmail her, could she not?
Teresa walked quickly in the direction of the woods. What was she doing? What was she going to say to this young woman but this young woman had a name: Maria Antonina. Why had she left so early? Didn’t the night mean anything to this woman ? Oh why was she asking herself this ? Everything was absurd but she needed to speak to Maria Antonina again, ask her things, talk to her…
She walked into the woods but she couldn’t see the fire that she had seen the day before. Then she heard some rustling in the trees and she saw the figure of Maria Antonina walking towards her. Teresa walked quickly in her direction and shouted suddenly:
‘Don’t play with me, girl. What do you want..you came to my house..did you take something..?’
The girl looked surprised and said quickly:
‘You are mad, Teresa. What are you saying? I didn’t take anything.’
Teresa stopped. The presence of the young woman seemed to captivate Teresa. There were her eyes and that skin. She had that slender frame which evoked elegance. Teresa was silent and seemed to study the other.
Then Maria Antonina said:
‘You are a lonely woman, Teresa…’
Teresa was quiet. The thought that the girl might blackmail her came to her but she didn’t want to put the idea of blackmail into the other’s mind if she wasn’t actually thinking about it. There was silence. Teresa said then:
‘The others are gone…the fire..’
‘Yes, madam.’
‘Why did you leave..you left so early..’ Teresa said.
‘I washed, Madam and I slept in your house…I am grateful…’
Teresa smiled as she looked at her but she didn’t say anything.
‘Why are you smiling, Teresa?’, Maria Antonina asked then. Teresa couldn’t find anything to say. The image of Maria Antonina caressing her came to her but she remained silent.
Then Maria Antonina said:
‘What do you want, Teresa?’
‘My husband…’
‘What about your husband…I need food, shelter…I want someone to protect me…’ Maria Antonina said quickly.
‘Yes.’, Teresa replied. Then Maria Antonina said:
‘I won’t tell anyone..I just wanted to wash..go away..madam..’, the young woman said. Then she turned back and faced Teresa:
‘So Teresa, you care about this man…your husband?’
‘Yes’, Teresa said automatically. She looked across at Maria Antonina and asked quickly:
‘You are leaving..?’
‘Yes..of course…I had to leave early…to be here..my father..he’s ..’ Maria Antonina seemed to become confused and Teresa said:
‘Yes, yes.’
There was a silence again. Teresa looked at the other and said:
‘You are….’
‘What?’
‘You are beautiful..Maria..you’ll find a man..is that what you want…?’
‘I suppose…’
‘And your …’ Teresa stopped.
‘What?’
‘I mean your eyes..they are…they are beautiful too…’
‘Thank-you, Madam..’
‘Teresa.’
‘I mean Teresa…’ Maria Antonina tried to smile. Then she said:
‘I must go, Teresa..’
Teresa said quickly:
‘Can I give you money.. you need money’. Before Maria Antonina answered, Teresa had reached into her pockets and she gave some coins to the other.
‘It’s not much..’, Teresa muttered.
‘Thank-you’, the other said
Her relationship with Maria Antonina surprised her but Maria Antonina disappeared quickly from her life. The gypsies left the woods and the night with Maria Antonina became just a memory. What did it mean? It didn’t seem to mean anything. It was just something strange, something peculiar that happened to her.
A week after Maria Antonina and the gypsies’ departure, Teresa went back into the city. She felt that old fear and anger again. No it wasn't the lost child. Why should she feel angry about this anyway..angry about a baby..and she didn't feel angry about what had happened with Maria Antonina..No. So she wasn’t angry. She was lost. Yes she felt lost and she confused it with anger, fear..all that..yes she needed direction..That day she walked around the old city streets. She wondered whether she should visit Kelvin but she thought against it. She decided to go to the nuns. Yes they'd help her with some work, help her do some work at home..And she wanted to be a proper wife.
It was a few months later that she went back to the city and she walked without thinking in the direction of Kelvin's studio. She looked up at it. Then she saw the image of Kelvin again but it was the drunken, angry Kelvin. She didn't want to talk to a man like this but Kelvin was her gateway to a life, a real life. Yes she really felt this and she felt she needed to talk to him again.
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A few months after the night with Maria Antonina, Teresa sat with Kelvin. Yes she decided now to go back to him. Kelvin was good for her. She felt this. Kelvin's relationship with Addie was over but he was still a friend and she wanted to return to her old life. She wasn’t sure how this could work but she ached for her old life, or at least aspects of it and Kelvin represented a part of that life.
They sat together on an old bench in his studio. Kelvin was not surprised to see her enter the studio. He greeted her as if it had been yesterday. Yes that was Kelvin!
‘You are a lonely woman Mrs Denby..’, he said as he held a cup filled with wine.
He looked at her as she remained silent.
‘Addie broke up with me…months back…you said she was good for me..’
Teresa turned and looked at him. What was he saying? Then she rose suddenly. The thought of Maria Antonina came to her and it didn’t feel right to sit beside Kelvin like this as if she was his lover and then there was Denby. As if reading her thoughts, Kelvin said smiling:
‘You don’t want to be my lover.. then..’
Teresa was quiet. There was a time when she could answer such remarks with a quick wit but she felt powerless now, she felt feeble.
‘No, don’t worry..’ Kelvin said quickly. Then he said:
‘You are a lonely woman…and you have a beauty..’
She tried to smile. She said:
‘You say I have a beauty ..like the pictures you paint…’
‘I could paint you if you want..’, he said.
‘Yes’. They were quiet as suddenly some music drifted up from the streets. Kelvin saw Teresa smile and then she said quickly:
‘Wait let’s dance..I haven’t heard music for a long time..hold me..you are an artist.. please, let’s dance.’
You surprise me.. yes’. He rose then and walked over to her and put his arms round her waist. Teresa suddenly felt ucomfortable and Kelvin stood away from her quickly:
‘What is it?’
‘No, no.. let’s dance…it’s alright..’ She heard the music playing and he put his arms round her and they began to sway to the rhythm of the distant music. Then the music stopped. Kelvin said:
‘And you are lonely..you are sad..’
‘I’m not lonely..not sad when I’m with you…you know that Kelvin..I missed you.. I did.. our talks…I just didn’t know whether it was right…’
Kelvin stood away from her as Teresa asked:
‘You don’t see Addie then…?’
‘No, no..I have changed..Addie has…I think people change..I mean in the time I haven’t seen you..I think you have changed…’
‘Have I?’
‘Yes’.
Teresa looked closely at him and their eyes met but then she turned away quickly. The image of Maria Antonina came to her suddenly. No she didn’t want to become intimate with Kelvin. Oh she wished he would be her friend, that he would help her make a life for herself. She said then looking at Kelvin:
‘You said I was lonely…Kelvin… I am..yes I am lonely..I just want to be your friend..I need you…you know that…’
‘Of course’, Kelvin replied. Then he continued:
‘I like being with you, Teresa…you have your husband.. you know who I am, Teresa.. yes…’ He stopped and then said:
‘You want some soup’
‘No’.
Then the music began to play again. It was the same music as before. Kelvin said:
‘Can we dance…let’s dance..’ They began to sway again to the rhythm and Teresa heard Kelvin say:
‘So lonely we are!’, Kelvin said
‘Oh shut up Kelvin, let’s dance, let’s be quiet… the music is so..’
They were quiet as she heard him say:
‘Does your husband love you?’ Teresa was quiet. The question surprised her but she wanted to dance above all as the music was continuing to play. When the music stopped, she said:
‘That’s a strange question..do you think I can answer that..no I can’t…I can’t…I can’t..’
‘You can’t what..Teresa.. can you not love..’
He looked at her. Then he said:
‘It takes strength to love, doesn’t it. You’re right. You know I have my women. No I can’t love…’
‘Really?’
Kelvin didn’t answer. He seemed to think. Then he said:
‘Your husband..he is distant..he doesn’t love you..’
‘You asked me already, haven’t you?’
He didn’t answer and she said:
‘Maybe you’re right..maybe he doesn’t…’
‘Do you love him?’ Kelvin said quickly.
‘I don’t like talking about love..I told you.’
There was silence in the air. Teresa seemed to be thinking about something. Would the music play again?
Then she said:
‘And you love Addie..?’
‘Teresa..that’s over..and I don’t like to talk of love…it’s poetry..it’s not real to me…’
She looked over at him and said then
‘And do you love me, Kelvin..’
Kelvin looked at her and said quickly:
‘I don’t know Teresa…we can..we can have something but you’re married..and you want friendship..and I want friendship..I am being honest with you.’
They were quiet and Teresa looked around the room almost dreamily and said, as if speaking to herself:
‘I must save my marriage.. I have to…I can’t just abandon it.. I feel as if I’m just abandoning it..’
She rose quickly, saying:
‘I can’t abandon it..… I can’t…it’s not right…’
Oh Teresa..you want to be a good girl..a good ..really good girl..’
Teresa turned around and looked at him. He looked at her and said:
‘Well we are friends, Teresa..I hope we will always be friends..come to me.. I’ll paint you.. I’ll draw you…’
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The light was dancing in the evening sky. Evening, darkness and then brightness, light glittering, a shadowy room. Teresa lay beside Kelvin in the evening shadows. It was about four months before the arrival of Frederika. She felt the presence of Kelvin beside her and rose from the bed. She didn’t feel like Kelvin’s lover. Was she meant to feel this ? No Kelvin and her were certainly more friends than lovers. As she rose, she expressed in her mind the thought that she and Kelvin wouldn’t sleep together again. She preferred to talk to him, preferred him to be her confidant. He was her passage to a new life, he embodied that passage. Then she looked back at him. Maybe she secretly wanted to be his lover. Yes maybe they could be…
Then she felt Kelvin’s eyes on her as he said:
‘It hurts me to lie beside you like this’.
Teresa understood. She looked quickly out at the night-sky. She wanted to smile. She felt the evening in the room, the cold evening in the room but still there was a certain warmth. Then she looked back at Kelvin and said:
‘It hurts me too. We are really friends…I’m sorry..’
‘No don’t be sorry! But it hurts you too, does it Teresa? You are a friend, another soul who I can talk to but I don’t need to tell you this, do I?’
‘No’. Teresa was quiet as Kelvin closed his eyes. There was that comfortable silence between them and it was strange that they had just slept together. It crossed Teresa’s mind of course that she had done a wrong, committed a sin according to the religion she was brought up in.
‘You thinking of your husband?’, Kelvin said suddenly.
‘No..this had to happen…I haven’t told him about you..Oh I am confused..I don’t know..was I meant to marry…what did you tell me?’
Kelvin glanced up at her.
‘Guilty, are you?’
‘Shut up, Kelvin. Oh I want to be silent…listen…I love this evening, the night…’
Kelvin rose then and quickly dressed.
He heard then Teresa say:
‘Addie’ and he turned.
She said:
‘Addie. Would this have happened if she was here. We are friends…Addie brought us together’.
‘You are dreaming, Teresa’, then he turned and put on his boots. He turned again:
‘Maybe, you’re right. Do you think Addie was good for me then?’
‘Kelvin, you’re mad. Do you want pity or something. Oh Addie, Addie’, Teresa said. Then she turned and walked to the window.
She heard Kelvin behind her say:
‘Oh confusion, confusion, fear, fear, you’re always afraid, Teresa. Well I am..I am afraid now’.
‘Are you?’, Teresa said turning to face him.
‘Of what?’ she asked then, ‘ But you’re not afraid of my husband, are you?’
Kelvin stood up.
‘No I’m not. I know you’re not. No I don’t care and sweet soul, this love won’t last anyway’, he said almost theatrically, ‘But I’ll be there for you..’
‘You’re a friend. You’re still my lover..’ Teresa said looking at him seriously. The thought that she had committed a wrong went through her. This could herald the end of her marriage.
Kelvin looked into her eyes.
‘So you’re thinking of Denby…’
‘Of course I never told him of you anyway..so I mean just because we have slept together…I never told him about our meetings.. talking..the portrait you did of me..’
Kelvin turned away. Then he turned back quickly. Teresa said then:
‘Are you afraid of my husband?’
‘Are you mad, Teresa? Why should I? I don’t know him..I don’t want to know him..I know you..you’re an individual..you know I don’t think of you as married..as a married woman..you’re independent.. aren’t you..’
He looked quickly into her eyes. Teresa closed her eyes and didn’t want to say anything. She opened her eyes as she felt Kelvin was expecting her to speak but he had turned away and had walked into the next room.
END
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