continues on from first part
Return to the city
Teresa sat alone in the park. She sat with her back to the park grills but she could see across to the other side of the park. People were passing but she was not really interested in looking at other people ; What she realized, as she sat in the park, was how afraid she was. She realized she was scared, but not of a human being, not of anyone, and certainly not of Jackson. No she liked Jackson. In the world that they belonged to, he could easily fall into crime and motives of anger and jealousy. He lived from day to day and she understood him. No she wasn’t scared of people. She wasn’t scared of Denby. She wasn’t scared of them but there was certainly real fear in her. It was in her heart and soul that she felt afraid, really afraid.
Then, as she let her mind wander, she saw the figure of Jackson in the distance but he was no stranger to her. Yes, when she saw Jackson suddenly looking at her on the other side of the park, she didn’t really feel anything. Jackson looked into the park and caught her eyes; He just walked over and he saw the emptiness and fear in Teresa’s eyes.
Jackson wasn’t thinking of the necklace or anything like that. What he saw was a girl he knew from the past and Teresa knew and felt that he was thinking and feeling this as her eyes followed him walking over to her. She continued to sit still. She knew too that Jackson wasn’t thinking of the necklace or anything like that. Then Jackson spoke as soon as he was a few metres away.
‘Teresa, you’re back’, he said and he sat down beside her.
Teresa looked in front of her and then suddenly put her face in her hands. She didn’t know why she did this. Maybe it was because she didn’t know what to say.
‘Teresa, you’re like Freddie, you’re a friend, you’re one of my girls, we grew up together’, Jackson said after a silence. Teresa wondered why he said these words but she didn’t want to think. Then she felt that maybe he was apologizing for the necklace affair in his own way.
Then Teresa said: ‘Jackson, I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘Of course’, he replied spontaneously.
Then Jackson saw another girl at the other side of the park. She seemed to want to speak to him and she beckoned him but Jackson looked away from her suddenly and continued to sit with Teresa.
He wanted to hear Teresa speak; He wanted to know what Teresa was thinking and he wanted to know above all if Teresa had changed from all those years ago. It interested him.
‘Can I ask you why…’, Teresa suddenly muttered. It was the necklace again.
‘I’ll tell you, Teresa. I like and respect you. You know that, I hope. You’re near the same age as me. I didn’t mean anything by it’. He spoke in a staccato style. His sentences were quick and direct. He continued:
‘I needed money, that’s all. It’s like that and Freddie needed a job, that’s all… and I saw the advertisement and ..’ Then he stopped and seemed to repeat something he just said, ’I just needed the money.. I don’t know, Teresa…’
‘I understand. I don’t want to think about it. I’m back home. Anyway it’s the marriage that’s over. That’s the thing.’
Then Jackson looked into the distance. He was not thinking of anything in particular now. He had really forgotten about his motives concerning the necklace. Then he saw the same girl in the distance that had beckoned him and suddenly he felt that this girl was Teresa as a girl or a younger woman. That’s what he thought.
They were quiet for a while. Then Jackson spoke again:
‘What are you going to do…Denby is a cad and a fraud and all. Don’t fall for that again..’
Teresa understood what he meant. She felt she knew what Denby represented. Teresa remained still. She didn’t feel like answering Jackson. Then she spoke:
‘It’s too late, Jackson’, she said. Then she continued, ‘I want to help Freddie, she’s a good girl…she can’t end up like us, Jackson, come on.’
‘She’s not going to. She’s tough. She’s intelligent, and she wants things that I don’t understand…you know Teresa. Come on, you fell for Denby and you just went from one calamity to the next but Freddie….she wants to get a proper job and I help her.. I’m like that. I’m not all bad, Teresa.’
‘Oh I know Jackson’. Then Teresa looked away and spoke into the distance, ‘I’m just really tired.. really . I just don’t know…’
‘You’re going away again..’, Jackson seemed to be asking a question.
‘I don’t know, Jackson, maybe’ and then as Jackson rose, he looked at her. He saw Teresa looking ahead of her and then he placed his hand on her shoulder but not in an overtly kind way. However the act was symbolic and Teresa knew what it meant: they must survive; they must get on with their lives; they had to survive in a world where people were almost eaten alive by grudges and fears.
The next day Frederika and Teresa were together in Teresa’s room. Teresa was sitting on the bed. She looked at Frederika who seemed to be waiting for something. That’s what Freddie was like but Teresa didn’t want to ask her anything! Then Freddie turned away from the window that she was standing at and looked into the room at Teresa who was sitting on the bed in the corner.
‘Are you alright, Teresa? ’, Frederika asked looking into Teresa’s eyes and Teresa met her look. It was dark but the curtains weren’t drawn and the light from the streetlamps outside streamed the room
‘I’m alright.’, Teresa said but it was an effort to utter these words. Frederika was the first person Teresa had talked to that day.
Then Frederika said:
‘I met Jackson but you know…I don’t want to talk to him. Things have changed haven’t they?’
‘Of course Freddie, you have your life…you move on.. please don’t let me stop you’, Teresa replied.
Frederika looked quickly at Teresa and seemed to be trying to understand something. Then Frederika suddenly asked:
‘Do you have money?’ Freddie turned to look out of the window when Teresa remained quiet. Freddie didn’t ask further. Teresa remained still. Then she lifted her head and looked at Freddie’s back. She thought to herself: Why did she ask that question? However, she didn’t feel like talking about money. Then she said looking at Freddie‘s back:
‘I don‘t want to think of money.’
‘Yes Teresa’, Freddie said softly.
Then Teresa sat up on her bed in the corner of the room and seemed to examine the other girl as she stood against the light. Teresa didn’t know what to say now. They were both quiet. Teresa felt comfortable being still and quiet. She had been alone all day and she just liked someone with her. She looked at the other girl in the shadow. She wasn’t waiting for Frederika to speak. She knew that Frederika had nothing to say anyway ; Frederika too seemed to be waiting for something and Teresa felt that the girl herself didn't know herself what she was waiting for and Teresa herself didn't want to ask Frederika any questions.
Frederika continued to look out of the window. Passers-by could see the figure of the young woman at the window. Teresa herself continued to look at the young woman. She just kept looking at this figure and Teresa felt that she was looking at a painting and she didn’t want to look away but she had to…'I hope Freddie doesn’t speak, please don’t speak’, she thought to herself, ‘They were two women in the same room...yes they had something in common…or did they.. perhaps they would separate and go in different directions… probably.. ‘ Then Teresa lay back on the cheap bed and closed her eyes. Freddie turned after a while and saw her and after looking at the streets below for a while longer, she drew the curtains and sat on a chair.
Then Teresa opened her eyes and spoke:
'I don’t want to go out any more.'
Frederika listened as Teresa repeated:
'I don’t want to go out', Then Teresa stopped but then continued in a soft voice:
'I mean that..streets are empty now, Freddie', She stopped but continued again:
'It’s cold Freddie, I can’t go out…'
'Jackson', Freddie said, perhaps asking a question.
'No it’s not …why did he ask you to steal…?', Teresa asked the last question in a spontaneous way. She wasn't really expecting the other however to answer the question.
'It’s the necklace, Teresa, he obviously wanted to sell it and get money,' Frederika said. The two women had obviously asked themselves these questions before and Teresa herself seemed impatient now. For she didn’t want to talk now of the necklace or Denby or Jackson but she had asked again about the necklace without thinking.
'Yes that’s what he told me…', Teresa uttered.
Then Freddie said: 'What happened in the past… He asked you to steal it from Denby, is that it Teresa?'
‘He just said..’, Teresa began to speak but she was still lying on her bed and she found it difficult to utter long sentences. Then she continued :
'He just asked me…I forget…it was for money…we needed money.. always do and Jackson thought there was a chance to earn money or something.'
‘You met Denby in the…'
‘I met him at a party, I think..I forget Freddie…’ Teresa replied. Freddie saw Teresa didn’t want to talk and they both remained quiet.
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A week later the two women were together again in Teresa’s room. It was a cold evening in the city. Freddie felt that it was the same winter, the same cold winter as when she was with Teresa in the country. There was the same chill in the air, the same winter in the air. Now, they were together again in Teresa’s room.
Teresa had decorated it and there seemed to be more objects in the room. There was a cheval mirror which Freddie looked into, saw herself but then looked away. She sat on the edge of the bed as Teresa stood against the window. Frederika too was happy that Teresa seemed to be more like the woman she knew when she had first met her in the country. Teresa had been mentioning more and more the world of the theatre in the last few days and Frederika liked to listen to her.
Frederika was sitting on the end of the bed as if in a trance when Teresa walked away from the window towards her and suddenly smiled to herself.
‘You’re beautiful..you know, Freddie, I mean, you’re young. Will you trust me when I say that you can do anything when you’re young?', Teresa said.
‘Anything’, Frederika repeated to herself and then she looked at Teresa in a questioning way. Teresa turned away and spoke:
‘I see things now that I didn’t see before. Theatre and dance has changed but men haven’t. They want more flesh you know.’
‘They always did’, Frederika said.
‘Yes, Freddie,’ Teresa said automatically. Then she continued: ‘Come on Freddie, you know what I mean’.
Then Teresa stopped but suddenly spoke again,
‘Are you still in your old world.. nothing’s changed with you.. the same men and the same.. they’re not lovers now are they.. the same…’, Frederika looked quickly at her. Was Teresa drunk? She seemed to ramble but no..Teresa was like this…Frederika watched Teresa walk to the window.
Freddie remained still and quiet and then she looked again at Teresa standing by the window. She knew Teresa was just nettling her.
‘Teresa, don’t talk to me like that…', Frederika said, but before she could finish, Teresa said:
‘I could dress you up like a lady….why can’t we dress up?’
‘Yes why not?’, Frederika answered quickly.
‘I mean…all that. Why can’t I be a lady…?’, Teresa asked dreamily. She stopped speaking and then she suddenly spoke again and asked herself another question, ‘Why did I leave Denby?’
‘Because you didn’t love him’, Freddie answered.
‘Oh Freddie', Teresa answered spontaneously. She continued, ‘Is that the reason.. I forget the reason…but was that it…anyway.. I didn’t love him.’
Then Freddie said:
'I know what you’re like…maybe you did like Denby but he ..it wasn’t right, was it, you and him’. Freddie stopped. She didn’t want to go into this area of conversation and when she looked at Teresa, she knew too that Teresa wanted to forget about this part of her past. They were quiet and Teresa accepted the silence. Then Freddie asked:
‘What did you do in the theatre?’
Teresa turned and smiled and then answered:
‘Dancing, some acting’, Teresa said softly and coyly. Freddie was quiet as Teresa spoke suddenly:
'Why don’t you be a dancer…you’ve the figure…come on.. and I’ll help you.. dress up and you’ll get a rich lover… and all the riches..and..’
‘No’, Freddie said softly and directly.
Then Teresa noticed that something was bothering the girl. Maybe it was the mention of the rich lover. Frederika added suddenly:
‘And the necklaces..', Freddie said it automatically but she felt immediately that she had said something wrong. She wondered how Teresa would take this. She had said it without thinking but Teresa just smiled.
‘What…yes.. ', Teresa continued to smile and continued , 'Yes but I could help you like Jackson helped me….’
Freddie seemed to be thinking about something and she said dreamily:
‘But I’ve always told you I want to be legitimate…have a proper job.’
Teresa continued as if talking to herself:
'It’s not possible..that’s not possible for me…and this night..’, Teresa looked out of the window, ‘Look at it and everything.. I just get by selling those cheap goods and then selling myself..', and she added suddenly with a smile ..'But I’m not cheap..not by a long shot’.
‘Why do you talk like that..look..I’m trying to get a proper job.. that’s why we left and you left Denby…’
‘Oh shut up Freddie.. I don’t know why I left there…well it was right of course.. but help me God.. I’m still surviving..you’ve got to understand me…Freddie.’
‘Of course.'
‘But you’re young..so young..’, Teresa said and then she looked quickly at Freddie and wondered whether she should tell her something:
‘I was at that party..you were there.. but all that really brought me back.. all that costume.. that dance… those women and those men…I want to go there… to those places again.'
‘You can Teresa.. you’re not confident…’
‘Freddie..' Teresa muttered and then Frederika spoke suddenly:
Teresa, you’ve always helped me.. but you’re not strong.. be strong.'
'Freddie.. I’ve really lost something.. I feel you’re too young to tell this to.. I’ve really lost something…no-one..no-one thinks anything of me.. nothing… and then Kelvin..he’s run away with a girl…Kelvin was my artist.. you know…I was more of an artist than him.'
‘Were you?’ Freddie asked innocently.
‘No, I don’t mean it like that…no I don’t.. no I don’t understand art.. I wish I did…I wish I had an education and I could talk more…Denby wasn’t that intelligent you know…..’
‘Teresa, I’m not able for all that.. I’m happy …'
Teresa looked closely at her:
‘You're not happy…I’m not.. what’s that.. happiness…what..all this.. I was never happy anyway.. how can you be…when I was young.. it was all survival…always.. and now.. still is…..’
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The following morning Teresa walked to the old theatre quarter. It was another winter morning as Teresa walked into the old world she thought she knew. She felt, however, as she walked, that this world was beyond her in some way. She stopped walking and saw a coffee shop. She glanced at it but she suddenly felt that she didn't really want to talk to anyone. She wanted to just sit in a coffee shop and look out....she didn’t want to speak to anyone.. but if she saw some old faces… She felt these thoughts going through her mind. Then she suddenly stopped. She had seen a man she knew from the past. He did maintenance work in theatres around the area.
The man had turned his back to her and Teresa waited for him to turn around again. Maybe he would raise his head and recognize here. His name was Fish. However he walked around the corner to the side of the theatre and out of view.
Teresa now had stopped walking and stood against a wall. Then without thinking she walked quickly down a side street and out of Fish's view in case he should walk back again to the front of the theatre. . Something was bothering her:
'Was it Freddie? ', she asked herself, 'Freddie was her only friend ...the only one who really helped her.. helping her escape from Denby and now this...Freddie was there for her as she tried to get her life together... Teresa was returning to something… but something could go wrong.. something could go wrong… was it Jackson.. would she fall back into walking the streets..is that what Jackson wanted… and was it some kind of strange jealousy that made him ask Freddie to steal the necklace in the first place. Did Jackson not want her to have a life…probably not.. probably not…that wasn’t right.... but Jackson was kind to her…but then.. why had she failed..she had failed in her life in some way…yes she felt she had failed in her life..' Then Teresa turned quickly and walked back to the theatre. She didn’t want to think anymore. She walked around the corner and there was Fish. He looked at her and seemed to recognise her. He didn’t say anything as he looked at her almost waiting for her to speak. She said quickly:
'Fish, I was passing…you know.. and is there any work for me?' she asked in an innocent and airy way. She looked at Fish as she spoke but he looked away. Then as she stood there waiting for him to speak, she realized that she should have greeted him properly and not just asked him about a job. Still these first words had just automatically come from her mouth.
Then she remembered in a flash that the other women in the theatre didn’t really like him and were afraid of him for some reason. Still Fish seemed to remember her and she was grateful for this. He said suddenly:
'Any work for you? You ask but Teresa…you haven’t been here for years. You left with some man and you never came back ', Fish said spontaneously.
'That was years ago'. Teresa answered.
'Yes but ..'. Then he leaned back against the wall and looked quickly at her. Then he asked:
'What have you been doing..you were married, were you?', Fish asked.
Teresa was suddenly conscious of the noise in the area. She couldn't really hear what he was saying but she knew he was making small talk.
'You closing up? ' she asked although it was still just morning.
He nodded.
'Anyone inside?’, Teresa murmured but he didn’t seem to hear. Fish then walked to the side street where the entrances to the dress circles were. Teresa walked in that direction too but then Fish suddenly turned around and seemed to wait for her to speak.
'Yes Fish', she said automatically looking at him and then away.
'Can I come in?', .she asked pointing to the theatre
'I don’t know..Belle is there.'
'Who’s Belle, Fish?' Teresa tried to ask in an offhand and airy way.
‘Belle lives with me and she helps in the theatre’.
'Are you the manager?', Teresa asked.
'Of course not….'
Then they were quiet as Fish waited for her to speak. She was thinking to herself and it was strange indeed to hear herself thinking in this noisy wintry morning. However the real noise was from the air. The winter air seemed to be shouting at her. Then she felt suddenly that Fish didn’t want to talk to her but she wanted to talk more. He was the first person she had spoken to from the old world. And this old world now seemed to her to be really an old world; a world that she had passed through, but a world that she now realized that she scarcely knew. She spoke again:
'I was away, you know, Fish,' she stopped suddenly but then she continued:
'I married but it didn’t work out..of course I tried’. Then Fish spoke:
'Wait Teresa, I don’t want to know about your adventures.'
'Alright Fish', she looked quickly at him and then was about to leave when she said automatically:
'I’d like to see the place again, you know.'
'Alright, I can’t stop you.'
She walked away and she was about to turn down the side street towards the rear of the theatre when he shouted something:
As he spoke, a woman exited. Teresa turned quickly and went over to her.
'Belle, I wonder is there any jobs?' The woman looked strangely at her. Then Teresa realized that she shouldn't have called her 'Belle' as she never met her before.
Then Fish said:
‘She used to work here, Belle’. Then Belle said looking at Fish and then quickly at Teresa:
'You want a cleaning job..', Belle said looking directly at Teresa.
'I mean…acting, dancing', Teresa replied.
'Can you dance?', Belle asked as the wind blew against the three of them. Fish was now standing back and was looking at the two women speaking to each other. Then Teresa said:
'Are you auditioning…'.
'No...for what..no..', the other woman answered. Then Teresa realized that Belle was not really a manager. Then Teresa saw that the other woman was holding a brush. Then Teresa said quickly:
'I used to work here.I’d love to see the place again.. I’ll come round again.'
Belle looked at her in a wide-eyed way and then nodded.
Teresa felt that Belle didn’t seem to understand her but this was typical of Teresa’s day. People seemed to look into her instead of listening to her. Then a cart passed and there was more noise.
'Yes, sweet, you do well', Belle suddenly said.
'Yes, yes,' Teresa said as she turned and walked away. She walked away slowly and thought 'Maybe any kind of work is good.. I suppose…and maybe it’s better than Jackson and all that.. Maybe there’s another life here…another Denby….but it’s not right.'’ She stopped as the image of a church suddenly came into her mind… 'why....the church..to marry….no, no,,, I’m not that kind of woman anymore.'
Teresa walked quickly down the streets and without thinking walked directly into a coffee-shop. She saw the old woman, who owned the shop, in the distance down the aisle. She turned quickly to an old man who was sitting by the window reading a magazine. She was tired and the cold was beginning to affect her. She noticed that the woman in the distance had turned towards her and she glanced quickly at the paper the old man was reading. He was reading about burlesque and Teresa asked spontaneously:
'What's burlesque?', she asked almost automatically as the old man turned slowly around to her. She sat down quickly beside him. It was the burlesque word which seemed to light something in her mind. She knew that it was some rude and risqué form of theatre and the type of theatre to which she might belong in some way.
'I'm not interested, sweet heart, the old man said, without looking at her.
'No, I just wanted to know what's that.. '
'Look leave me alone..', he said. Then Teresa rose slowly and was going to turn and go when suddenly she heard the voice of the old woman.
'Please leave.. ', the old woman shouted at her, as she walked quickly down the coffee-shop and Teresa turned and went out.
She went out quickly. She felt strange. 'Why had they thrown her out? Was she not a respectable woman..she felt they made a mistake ejecting her.. she was not ‘after’ the old man.. it was the magazine that he was looking at...what a question to ask anyway!....but I just wanted to know.. I can ask those questions.. but that picture on the paper of the burlesque or whatever.. so beautiful.. I wish I could do that... I wish ... I could. I can't be looking for men anymore or whatever.'
She continued to walk quickly. The event in the coffee-shop didn’t bother her but it did make her aware of some things. She entered a park and she sat down. Then as she sat in the cold winter air of the park, she turned her head and saw the same old man approaching her. He just glanced at her as he passed and then walked into the distance. Teresa watched the old man walk away. 'Then the trees.. and all the grey walls of the park...I can enter that world.. is he the manager of a theatre.. maybe he is... I can dance.. try to.. I can act...I can't go back to Freddie or Jackson...or anyone...'
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For Teresa then, there was more walking through streets, that were sometimes empty, sometimes full, sometimes grey, silver, white and sometimes there was more colour in them. Yes there was more walking through the streets, which a lot of the time, seemed to be empty despite the crowds. And during this time, Teresa felt the old world of the theatre around her and she felt herself trying to reach into this old world. One day it would be a new world to her again.
One evening, she sat with an old man watching the popular burlesque act in a small theatre. Looking at them, they seemed like a man and his daughter. They both seemed transfixed by the entertainment. One could see that the old man had his hand on the woman’s lap and the woman accepted this. It was something expected of a girl or a woman in this world anyway! And Teresa knew all about this world, its gestures, its acts, its foibles, its players.
Then Teresa glanced at the old man. She felt instinctively that he wasn’t interested in her at all but a man liked to bring a companion to these entertainments! Still he had brought her to this theatre and for that she was grateful, very grateful. When he put his hand on her lap, it seemed more an act of kindness rather than lust or anything like that and it seemed strange. But the real acts were on the stage and she wanted to watch them and now she had a chance! In the great noise of the theatre, there was also silence. It was around her! The old man was silent. And on the stage, there was another world. And this world was exciting, colourful, attractive and seductive too in a strange way.
She accepted the man beside her and she would accept other men too in this way. And she didn’t mind! She herself was more interested in the burlesque and the acts on the stage. Then he removed his hand as she wanted to move herself in her seat. He just took his hand away. Then she looked at the act and began to laugh and the man beside her laughed. And they laughed more as the show continued. The night would grow darker and the hours would pass. Perhaps she would go home with this man beside her or else after a kiss, they would depart.
As the show continued, she sat back and looked at the others around her. She watched the girls in particular. How did they seduce, what methods, what dress….she wanted to see… or maybe she didn’t… she didn’t want to study anything… she just wanted to look. She tried to relax beside the old man beside her and then she was conscious of how low her dress was. Some men looked at her and then a woman and she realised that her breasts were showing. This was what they were looking at....but she didn’t mind! She sat quietly and looked at the show on the stage. She wondered whether she should push her hair up…...you can seduce more people in worlds like this when you're beautiful!
Then suddenly in the distance in the stalls, she saw a young woman, dressed elegantly holding a fur shawl, with a middle-aged man. It was the youth and beauty of the girl which surprised her, and her elegance too. Teresa seemed to stare at this couple and when the old gent beside her suddenly put his hand on her lap again, she unconsciously nudged the hand away. However, within a second she was aware of what she had just done. She must please the old man. He had bought her the ticket for this show after all.
'Can we go to the coffee shop afterwards’, she suddenly asked.
She felt that he would reject this idea because she had just pushed him away. But as she looked at him, she saw that he wasn’t listening to her and like a lusty old man he was following the striptease happening on the stage. He suddenly laughed. The woman on the stage had obviously uttered something suggestive. Then Teresa laughed too as she followed the actress’ words. However, the men around her and some of the women…they laughed in a strange way. Teresa saw how they rolled their eyes. Their laughs sounded more like cries. They weren't laughing… they’re crying.. they’re not laughing....
Then the old man suddenly said
‘Sorry, my dear, yes’, the old man suddenly said answering her earlier question.
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One evening, Teresa sat in a park in the old quarter alone. She wanted to be alone. She felt tired and she thought of the solicitor who she had heard was looking for her. A friend told her that a man had come to the public house asking about her. He was a solicitor and he said he would call again. So Denby was searching for her. Maybe he wanted a divorce. Maybe he wanted to give her an allowance.
She was thinking vaguely of Denby and the solicitor as she sat in the park but she didn’t like thinking about it. She tried to think out her plan concerning Denby but really she wanted to think of the theatre, the burlesque nights. She thought of Freddie but she felt Freddie wanted to start a new life without her or Jackson. Then she thought of the burlesque nights and the theatre world that she wanted to return to.
She thought vaguely that she had entered back into this old theatre world perhaps unexpectedly and she wasn’t ready for it. She was afraid that she wasn’t ready for the colour and glamour of this world but all the same she would continue. Then she remembered that she hadn’t seen Frederika for a few weeks now. She rose quickly from her seat and suddenly her eyes met the eyes of a gentleman, a man in his thirties. He seemed to be lost. Maybe he was waiting for the theatres to open. He looked away but she shouted automatically:
'Looking for a night out..sir', she shouted. The man turned suddenly and seemed to smile. She tried to smile back but she couldn’t. He turned away. Then she shouted again without thinking,
'You like young girls then. I can arrange that'. She felt however as if she was talking into the air as he walked away. She saw the man walking slowly away but she remembered his smile. What surprised her was that she couldn’t smile back and she didn’t feel like going with him. She realised that she shouted to him almost automatically.
The following evening, Teresa sat in her room waiting for the night. She was going out with Alice. She walked to the window and looked out… it’s days like this when we are lonely. They warn us about these days..do they…. priests, family.. do they.. I feel they warn us about days like this..lonely days…
She looked towards the public house and thought she saw Alice’s shape outside waiting for her. She seemed to be talking with some men and maybe she was waiting for her. Still as she looked at her, she suddenly felt ill but still she decided to go out. Then, as Teresa stepped out into the night, she was struck by the darkness all around her. And the darkness in the night was the winter darkness. She had not realised that it was so dark when she was looking out of the window and now she looked around for the other woman. She looked towards the public house but she wasn’t there. Then suddenly, she saw Alice approach her. Alice seemed to look strangely at Teresa. In reality, the other thought Teresa was pale but she didn’t say anything. She knew she couldn’t stop Teresa coming out if she needed money.
Then Alice said suddenly:
‘They were soldiers, Teresa’.
‘Yes’, Teresa said, as if talking to herself. They started to walk but then Alice said:
‘Will we go back the other direction?’ However as soon as Alice said this she seemed to change her mind:
‘Wait..’ Alice seemed to quicken her pace and seemed to focus on something ahead of her. Teresa felt unable to walk with her and suddenly she felt too that she wasn’t able to look far ahead of her. Was she losing her sight? No it was just that she was tired and hadn’t been eating in the last few weeks. She hoped that Alice would walk more slowly.
Then suddenly the tiredness overtook her. In a flash she realized that she shouldn't have gone out that night. She felt that all the effort and the walking in the last few days was beginning to catch up with her. She continued to walk with Alice but she was beginning to get tired. She wished that Alice would stop and she wanted to go too into the shadows away from these street lights, these flashy lights that made her mind fail her. Still she hoped too that Alice wouldn’t notice her in this state. In the flashes of the evening, it was this that she feared too. She feared that Alice would see her faults and her weaknesses.
Yes Alice was tough and hard. So much harder than Frederika! They walked and then suddenly Teresa looked down at her hard boots which had hit against the cobbles. She stopped and Alice stopped too.
‘Hey what are you lookin’ at soldier..’, Alice suddenly said and her words jarred at Teresa.
Teresa felt that there must be soldiers in the distance somewhere but still she couldn't see anything. She felt her eyes flashing. It was the street lights all around her. There seemed to be more lights in the streets that night. She bent down on the ground to look at her boots but tried to raise her eyes to see who Alice was talking to. Still, she felt weak and she hoped that Alice would look at her and see how sick and frail she was but Alice was still looking ahead of her. Teresa tried to touch Alice’s clothes. Alice too nudged at Teresa to raise herself from the ground.
‘I’m looking at your friend, blondie’, Teresa heard someone saying but she was too weak to raise her head.
‘Fine', she heard Alice say. Then Alice nudged Teresa who looked up but still couldn’t see who she was talking to. Suddenly the thought went through her that maybe Alice was talking to a woman. She suddenly realized that she wasn't sure the voice was actually a man but then she remembered that Alice had called out the word ‘soldier’.
‘You alright, Teresa? ’, Alice said as Teresa made an effort to rise and lean against a crumbling stone wall. However Alice didn't wait for an answer as she turned away and began speaking to someone. Then Teresa turned her head and saw that Alice was talking to a man. It seemed as if Alice knew him.
Then Alice turned and said brusquely:
‘Go home Teresa. ..go home’… These words jarred at Teresa and made her wish suddenly for Frederika's presence. Then as she leant against the wall, she wondered
if Alice thought she was drunk. Then she heard the man suddenly say:
'Wait I’ll bring her home.'
Teresa began to walk back to house where she lived and it was now silent in the streets around. Yes it was winter.. yes the lights streamed from the public houses but it was silent…. it was silent except for the presence of the man beside her. Then Teresa suddenly realized that the man seemed to know where he was going. However, Alice had probably told him. She continued to walk and she didn't want to think at all. She was still weak but she tried to look at the man beside her.
She suddenly saw his hands; they were rough strong hands, and she wondered if he might take advantage of her in her room. Her mind began to swirl too with the thought of the solicitor who was trying to contact her. Yes a solicitor or something was looking for her and would come back to the area again. However she wasn’t able to think about this now. She just let thoughts float in her mind. Still maybe her life was going to get better. but then this man…she wished that she was alone.
‘I can’t..’, Teresa tried to speak as the thought of the solicitor again floated in her mind. Her past had suddenly come back to her. The solicitor was now the first contact she would have with her past with Denby. She had to face up to the past and now the time had come. And it had come when she was weak and sick! She had always pushed the thought of Denby away but now it was there, right there and she couldn’t get rid of it. She was too weak to push the thought away and it hovered there! She was too weak to think and she just let thoughts float in her mind.
'What are you saying', the man said. 'I know where you live. I'm just bringing you home…you're sick. I'm helping you. That's all..' Then she tried to push him away again.
‘What are you doing?, He asked as she suddenly seemed to drop to the ground and sat still on the side of the road
‘I’m sick, leave me alone.' , she said vaguely but she didn't say it angrily. She just wanted to be alone. He looked at her. Then she said, as if remembering something:
‘I'm not drunk. Leave me alone..'
‘I’ll leave you alone…' he then said but suddenly he said, 'I can’t.. you’re sick'.
Shadows were all around them and Teresa put her head into her knees. Then she was conscious of her high boots which were paining her. Then suddenly she thought vaguely that maybe she looked beautiful now, more beautiful than ever! Maybe this man was attracted by her and seduced by her frailty but she put the thought quickly out of her mind. She mustn't think. She was too weak to think. She just needed to get to her room and lie down. That was all! She continued to look at her boots as the man seemed to stand over her. Then there were the lights from all around and the sounds that seemed to fade into the lights.
Then she felt the man’s hands beneath her arms as he raised her and she tried to push him away but she was too weak, and she left him help her along. Anyway she didn’t want to think. This was too much effort! He was trying to be kind too…maybe he was just really kind. Then she knew that they were close to her room and she wanted to be alone to think of Denby and the solicitor. She felt suddenly that the past was beginning to come back to her. Maybe the divorce was going to come through or maybe some money and she could begin a new life!
‘Have you got a handkerchief’, she asked suddenly. She wanted to rub the perspiration from her forehead.
‘A handkerchief….for god sake missus, I’m spending me night with you and your friend goes and gets her man…I have to go back to my wife, you know'.
‘Thanks for your help but go away..please…', She tried to say. She knew that they were close to her room and she wanted to stop. He seemed to slow his pace as she slowed and then he spoke.
'What..' , she heard him say.
'Wait wait...', she uttered quickly.
'Now you say wait...'
'I say… go away if you want….' She still didn’t see his face and didn’t know what he looked like and she had felt sometimes afraid and sometimes safe as she walked with him. However it was the coldness in the night which she really felt. That chill in the night! It was like a sacred night filled with everything that made it sacred..coldness…light..and fear..
‘Wait, I’m going back …I have to get you home somewhere’, he said, and Teresa suddenly felt weak again. She felt his words vanishing into the air without being able to reach her ears.
Then they were at the room. He left her at the door and then waited as she rooted in her pockets for her key. Then he walked away when he felt that Teresa wanted to be alone. He didn’t hear her say thank-you. She had murmured it as if to herself but was really directing the words at the man that she thought was behind her. But he was gone! She looked around and just stared with an empty look in her eyes into the black air. It was darkness filled with flashes of light and she felt, if she admitted it to herself, as if she was renouncing all the brightness and colour of the night.
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'I know you, Teresa, you act tough...' Vance said. Vance was the man who had taken her back to her room a week before when she was sick. They were in bed together now in the late morning. He had returned to her a few days after the sickness and now this was the second time he visited.
Teresa was quiet and she felt 'silenced' by his presence. She felt too as if she was 'accepting' his presence in some way. And yes she accepted his presence around her but she was quiet. He touched her hair and she made a sudden movement.
'I’m not....' she murmured. He thought that she was going to say something but she stopped quickly. The atmosphere was quiet. It was the morning and the morning sunlight was in the room. He seemed to think that she was afraid. Was she afraid of something. He wanted to reassure her in some way. Perhaps he thought that she was going to say: I'm not pretty or something like that’, and he said:
'Yes you are a peach.. but I liked the way you dress.. those boots,, they suit you', he said seeming to evoke the first night they met when she became sick and she answered quickly:
'Do you like them.. ?'
He didn't answer this question. The atmosphere was quiet but perhaps they were afraid of saying the wrong thing, both of them. Then he asked her in a direct way:
'Who are you… where do you come from?'
'I’m a working girl… I’m nothing...' she said. She didn’t mean to answer in such a quick, jaunty manner. Still maybe she was afraid of this man in some way. Anyway she knew how to answer men.
'Yes you are. .nothing.. come on girl. Yes you are.. you’re beautiful…', he said quickly. He sat up but although Teresa felt reassured by these words, they meant nothing. She felt he had the language; he had the ways to seduce women but she didn’t mind. There was certainly a shyness about him but he was strong. There was a shyness about herself also and sometimes she felt that at times a strange emptiness too over her body.
Then the thought went through her mind as he said these words especially the mention of ‘beauty‘, ..'then why does he sleep with me then… he sleeps with someone beautiful…oh shut up.. man…shut up..'. Then she knew that beauty was something else. What was beauty anyway? Who was she to talk about beauty?
‘Look I’ve got to do something…', Teresa said suddenly. She was suddenly impatient with the man. She hadn’t much money and a feeling that she was wasting a day suddenly took hold of her. She couldn’t explain her feelings to the man. She wanted to dress quickly and leave.
‘Wait why do you do this..?', he asked
‘Do what..?’
‘Sleep with men..’
‘I don’t…I mean you slept with me…’ she murmured. His question didn’t bother her. All she wanted to do was survive and she only slept with men for that and money. Either way, she didn’t sleep with men so often and the question made her more agitated but she tried to be composed.
‘Well because I like you.. ‘, he said.
These words didn’t surprise her. She knew instinctively what he meant by his liking her. He was married so he liked her as a kind of mistress or maybe he wanted to look out for her. He was older than her anyway. Maybe it was some kind of curiosity to what he meant by these words that made Teresa turn around. All she said was to ask in an innocent way:
‘You’re married?’. She asked the question as a school girl would.. but she knew the answer.. it was as if she was confused.. at the beginning of her life again..
‘Yes I am’, he said strongly and directly and he smiled but he was smiling at her weakness and the sudden frailty that he noticed in her.
And then she walked away to the dressing table and as she sat down with her back to him, she began to vaguely hope that he wouldn’t pay her.. that he would go and just leave her. And she suddenly wanted to run away so that he wouldn't get the chance to pay her. He still sat in the bed..
‘I’m going to come back to you. I want to help you’, she heard him saying behind her.
‘Help me?’ she murmured to herself as she sat at the dressing table. She didn't answer and she felt then that she didn't know how to answer. It was as if she was a girl again, not knowing what to say. It was as if she was with her father. She didn't know what to say and she didn’t know whether to ask the man to leave. She tried to smile to herself.
Then she thought to herself: ‘I was always so strong; I was so independent. I everything so independently but this man, this figure whoever he was, makes me feel like a girl…and maybe I feel imprisoned by him…or maybe not.. it was just so different.. maybe I have let myself fall and I am just coming back to life again and it doesn’t matter who helps me return…it just happens to be this man…I want to be free …I wish I could be free’.
Then he was behind her dressed and looking at her:
‘Look he said suddenly, I’m coming back to you. I like you.’ Then he put some money on the table. She felt a chill in her body but maybe it was right for him to do it. Neither owed each other now anyway. Then she put the thought from her mind. Anyway she needed money!
He kissed her on the cheek. She accepted the kiss and he left the room. She felt relieved. Then she remained sitting at the table. She felt like she couldn‘t move. She thought of him but the thought was of a great fleshy man and she tried to put him from her mind. Then she tried to think of Frederika. Perhaps she was around somewhere.
She remained sitting still at the dressing table. She suddenly remembered the night when she was sick.. that was a week ago. Then she thought to herself that it didn’t really bother her that Vance was married. No, she didn’t care. But why did the issue even arise. Why did that word ‘marriage’ enter the conversation. This bothered her. She should never ask men this. Why? And she felt that this man had violated her privacy in some way.
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Teresa lay in bed as Frederika stood at the window looking out. Frederika was silent. They had been silent for a long time now and the silence weighed in the air but Teresa didn't want to speak. She was thinking of Denby’s solicitor who had come to the local public house the day before. This man had come to the public house and Teresa had just by accident entered the building when the barman pointed her out to a man sitting in the corner.
It was Henry’s solicitor and she went over to him. The barman looked strangely at them. Maybe he thought he was a client of hers. Then she sat down with the solicitor and she just remembered walking out with that word in her head.. that word.. that word.. annulment.. and she didn’t know what it meant.. Yes she had an idea alright ….yes she knew, of course …it meant the end.. it wasn’t a divorce now…she was expecting the divorce...but as she lay in the bed thinking, she realized that a divorce wasn’t really a possibility…they were both Roman Catholics….but an annulment meant that it wasn’t a proper marriage.. the solicitor had said something about this but she didn’t want to think of it…but now as she lay in bed something bothered her …something was over…something in the past was gone..wiped away ..out of memory…
She had accepted the word, that word ‘annulment’. It was the word that she accepted but now to-morrow had come and she realized that something had changed. Everything had changed. It was about six months now since she ran away with Freddie. After a few months Henry had given her some money for immediate support but that was it! And now Henry didn’t have to give her anything! Maybe something out of charity! There was no maintenance to be given but did she really care! She didn’t know. She had been waiting for a divorce settlement. Or was she? Maybe she didn’t want a divorce either. She had run away! In her heart the idea of divorce disturbed her. She was reared a Catholic and she felt that her mother, if she had known her, wouldn’t approve! Maybe it made sense. There wasn't to be a divorce.. it was an annulment.. and as Denby was a Roman Catholic too, it made sense .. yes it made sense..
She remembered the cold wintry atmosphere in the pub, as the solicitor stood looking at her. She accepted some money. However, as she lay in the bed, something suddenly disturbed her. She rose quickly and she knew it was Vance, 'that man' who bothered her. What was it about Vance? She felt something rotten in the air and just as suddenly she turned and plunged her head into the pillow.
‘The man, Vance, seemingly without malice or forethought had mentioned that she was a girl of the night. She didn‘t like to be reminded she was a girl like that..anyway..he was the only man she had been with for weeks. Now, she didn’t feel clean with him..he knew what kind of girl she was..even Jackson…even with Jackson..she felt a real human and she had seen Jackson two days before..… yes she didn’t feel out of place with Jackson…felt comfortable with Jackson…but Vance…. so what was it now… she knew it wasn’t attraction to the man…or love..no.. yes she was a woman who fell into and out of love.. but now…and he is married…and he is married…and then there is Jackson.. Freddie.. even Denby again…there’s no escape is there.. no escape at all…’
She sat up and looked across at Freddie. She wanted to just sit in the bed and she didn’t want to get up.
‘What is it?’, Freddie suddenly said. Teresa didn’t know what she was asking but she uttered quickly:
‘It’s the end. I didn’t expect it.’
‘The end of what?’, Frederika asked quickly and automatically.
‘It’s an annulment.. they call it.. we’re both Roman Catholics.. so it’s fine’, Teresa said. Frederika looked at her and didn’t seem to understand.
‘Well that’s good, isn’t it, Teresa.. come on, get up and let’s go out.’
‘Wait’, Teresa said as Freddie moved towards her, ‘I want to say something’.
‘Yes Teresa’.
And then Teresa suddenly turned and put her face into the pillow again. It was then that she thought of her surroundings.. She was with a friend.. Freddie.. and then suddenly she was aware that for the first time in a long time.. she wasn’t thinking of survival or money.. she just wasn’t.. she would probably think of it soon enough.. and then back to the streets and all.. but now.. she didn’t think of it.. the annulment… what was it actually…something had changed.
‘What does it mean?’, Teresa murmured as she turned her head.
‘What?’, Frederika answered.
‘Annul…’
‘I don’t know Teresa.. I think you should ask the priest.. is it religious or something?’
‘Oh leave me…religion.. ‘, Teresa said but she didn’t know what she was saying. She didn’t really understand her thoughts either.
‘What, I’m just trying to help, Teresa.’
‘Oh I know, Freddie, I didn’t mean it like that’
‘I mean…I mean Freddie…did you think of this happening.. a damned annulment.. not even a divorce.’
‘But what’s an annulment, Teresa?’
‘It means the marriage never took place.’
Frederika was quiet and she seemed to be surprised by something. Then Freddie said:
‘I’ve heard of something like that’.
Freddie seemed to say this so airily and innocently that Teresa suddenly forgot what she had been thinking about. However Freddie was quiet again and there was the silence in the room again. Teresa was quiet and she just let thoughts roll in her mind.
The past with Denby was over….the annulment… oh my God.. what do I do.. what am I going to do…and she thought of the garden and all.. the house.. even the necklace…
‘Oh my God..Freddie..’
‘What is it, Teresa…?’
‘Well I expected it…’
‘What?’, Freddie asked automatically.
Teresa raised her head and then saw Freddie looking at her
‘The stupid annulment.. ‘,she shouted.
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Two days later, she met Vance again. He stood at the commode at one side of the room as Teresa glanced at him as she stood at the window. She didn’t know what to say to him but he smiled.
‘I don’t know what to say to you’, she murmured.
‘Oh you always do.. ‘He answered quickly and then she went over and sat on the bed. She suddenly felt tired.
‘What is it?’, he said seriously. She remained quiet. Then he continued:
‘Teresa..I’ve told you before.. you’ve no pride. .confidence.. you are a…’
Then she rose again and walked over to the dressing table. She was thinking to herself..‘but I have to survive’.
‘You’ve no…’, he continued but he was lost for words.
They were silent. Then she said suddenly ‘Why don’t you ….marry.’ Then she stopped.
He looked at her and they were silent. Then he spoke quickly:
‘Wait..I can’t.. I have a wife.. is that what you’re asking.. you don’t understand.. I’m trying to help you.. what are you saying…’
Teresa suddenly felt like a child in the man’s presence.
‘Why don’t you marry me?’, she asked innocently.
‘Because I don’t understand you.. is that an answer.. you surprise me.. with your questions…’ Then he walked over and kissed her on the head and he spoke again:
‘I don’t know you.. but you have pride.. you don’t have to do this…’
‘Why..?’, she said softly.
‘You know…’ Then she muttered again:
‘Marriage’ and she turned around and walked to the bed.
The mood was suddenly solemn and it was as if both Teresa and Vance were trying to catch the solemn mood but above all it was quiet. And Teresa was tired. As she sat on the bed, she wondered if she was saying all this because she was tired. She didn’t know how to continue. Then she said suddenly:
‘But you like me..’
‘Yes I do..’, She heard him say. Then she felt that she didn’t know what she was saying and she hoped vaguely that he would leave. She felt tired again and suddenly felt as if the past was catching up on her. She felt that he was looking at her and studying here and she glanced up at him quickly.
‘Don’t watch me.. I don’t like people watching me.. I never got help…..’
‘What happened… you need help.. I can’t give you that but..’…
He stopped and seemed to wait for her to speak. She didn’t know whether she should tell him about Denby. She looked at him quickly and then suddenly without thinking she walked quickly out of the room and down the stairs. When she reached the door, she started to run down the street. Then suddenly there was a figure in front of her. He grabbed her. She looked up quickly at his face. It was Jackson.
‘Jackson..I need to talk.. please…’
‘Yes Teresa..but not for long.. I’m in trouble.’ She didn’t hear his last words but she felt as if he was ‘accepting’ her in some way. .
‘I have to tell you something’, she said in a frenzied way.
‘What?’, Jackson said and he realized suddenly that they were standing in the middle of the street. He dragged her to the side. Then she felt fear and maybe some anger. She thought suddenly of the figure of Vance. She wasn’t thinking of the necklace at all but suddenly without thinking, she said:
‘The necklace.. you remember’, she said trying to look up into his eyes as he held her.
‘Oh forget about that, Teresa.. ‘ Then he looked around and seemed to be expecting someone. ‘You need money is that it…?’
‘No, no, I mean … the necklace..’, Teresa repeated as she tried to relax. She felt she wasn’t thinking straight. She was just confused and tired. Then she realised she just wanted to cry. She really just wanted to cry. Jackson looked down at her. She seemed tired and drained. He continued to look at her and he waited for her to speak but they were quiet. Then he glanced away and saw a man looking at them. It was Vance. Jackson looked away quickly and without thinking brought Teresa into the public house on the corner of the street. They sat on a bench near the entrance. The pub was almost empty.
‘The necklace’, she said softly again, almost robotically. She stopped and he waited for her to continue. However she remained quiet and Jackson tried to break the silence:
‘Yes’.
‘Jackson…I have to tell you..’ she began to speak but suddenly she started to cry.
‘What is it Teresa….?’
‘The annulment…’she cried and then Jackson seemed to understand what she was saying. She continued:
‘I got an annulment , Jackson.’ Then she rubbed away her tears and then suddenly she seemed to realize something. She realized suddenly that she was speaking to Jackson. Then she seemed to change her tone:
’Jackson’ she said.. ‘I’m not feeling well you know.. I’m really sorry. You’ve your own problems…’ He looked at her and then murmured:
‘Teresa’, he held her hands as she looked away and began to cry again.
‘I know you’ve your problems, Jackson, you know… and I know what you think...but I have to tell you …that the annulment hurts….’
‘But you never loved him. Get a grip on yourself, Teresa.’
‘I did ..actually’, and she tried to emphasize these words but then suddenly she realized in a flash that maybe she didn’t actually love that man, Denby. It wasn’t true and the only thing that was true was what she was doing now..sitting in this public house. Then she thought of Vance but in a flash, she realized that Jackson’s friendship, if that was what it was, was more real to her. It was what was real that mattered. Then Jackson repeated:
‘Get a grip, Teresa.. come on…’ He stopped but then spoke again:
‘Are you alright. Teresa?’. Teresa was quiet. She didn’t know what to say. She had suddenly felt that the last hour was unreal and she hoped vaguely that she wouldn’t meet Vance again.
‘Listen, Teresa’, Jackson said as he rose from the bench, and he continued:
‘I know you.. you wanted money, an easy life, you liked Denby but you liked him..maybe for the wrong reasons..but he wasn’t good for you….’, Jackson tried to smile but then he changed his tone. Teresa glanced at him and she felt that Jackson was suddenly uncomfortable about something. They looked at each other:
‘You miss all that.. is that why you cry?’, He asked looking directly at her. She was aware that there was something hard about the question:
‘You have to go..’, she tried to say. Then Jackson saw how Teresa looked away at the ground and he said softly:
‘Look Teresa,, if you need money, come to me and I’ll help you, alright, you’re my girl, alright’. He reached his hand over to her and touched her shoulder. Then he held her hand and smiled at her as Teresa glanced at him. He continued to hold her hand and he smiled at her. Then he turned suddenly away from her and walked out.
The following night was like a dream. All she remembered was Vance coming up to her as she stood outside the public house. She was just going to accept what he said. She didn’t know what to say. He looked at her and seemed to shout but she didn’t mind.
‘Teresa, you're a fool‘, he seemed to shout.... ‘I don't understand you..’ , He continued to speak as his voice seemed to become more strong and confident. Then Teresa suddenly realized how condescending his words were. Why did he speak like this? Did she really need help, his help? Everything seemed to be fine before he came on the scene. Then he continued:
‘I can't change you.. can I.. and you ask me to marry you and then you run off.. I am an ordinary man.. ‘, He said staring at her. She glanced at him quickly and looked at the ground. He saw then how frail and childish she was, listening to his words. Then he said seemingly referring to Jackson:
‘Stay away from that man, do you hear. I just want to tell you that...alright. I shouldn't be here.. I have a wife..’ She looked at him and seemed lost for words. Then he said:
‘Why do you look at me like that.. why are you quiet?’
‘I don't know’, she said softly. He was quiet and seemed to smile. She looked away and felt suddenly that she had to leave this area. She was tired of all this drama and everything. Then she heard him say:
‘I don't have much money..’ She answered quickly:
‘I know.... I don't want any money... I'm sorry. .’ Then he walked away into the night.
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They sat in a public house on the bank holiday, Teresa, Lottie, a girl that she had met the previous day and the two men they were with. Teresa sat with her man on one side and Lottie and the other man were opposite them. It was a bank holiday and for a hour they had sat together drinking. Teresa still felt she was lucid and she knew that it was herself and the man beside her who were really drinking. Lottie, the young woman and her man weren’t drinking at all. When she looked at the couple opposite, they were actually like lovers. They planned to go to the theatre in the evening and Lottie was looking over at Teresa waiting for the latter to say something.
The young woman wanted to leave the public house. She had soft long black hair and her beauty stood out in the rowdy atmosphere as men turned to her. Still Teresa saw the young beauty almost clinging to the man beside her. The sight jarred at Teresa. Teresa had come to the public house just to get a client and she had one beside her. Opposite her, Lottie and her man looked more like lovers than like people who just met. The girl looked across at Teresa who she thought looked agitated.
Then the girl suddenly said: ’Do you want to go to the theatre now?’
Teresa looked at the girl. In a flash, she saw how beautiful the girl was but she had a soft beauty. She would probably marry and have children and perhaps live in relative comfort and happiness because Teresa knew this was a girl who couldn‘t live without comfort or happiness or love from a man.
Then Teresa realised suddenly that the girl probably didn’t think of herself as a prostitute. She remembered the day before when she met the girl and it was almost because she herself had nothing to do for the bank holiday that she accepted the girl’s invitation to go to a pub and maybe find some men.
Teresa had been sitting in the public house the day before alone when this girl came to her and they just began to talk. Now Teresa saw that this was a girl who could easily escape the life of poverty and prostitution. She had probably never actually fallen in and now she saw that the girl had a beauty and softness which could only make men fall in love with her.
Teresa was quiet as she looked almost emptily at the girl and didn’t answer the question. The girl saw too that Teresa was drunk and didn’t push the question.
As the girl turned to put her head on the man’s shoulder, Teresa looked again at the girl’s beauty. Then she was conscious of the man beside her; She wasn’t able to look at him but he seemed to be tipsy. Perhaps he was sleeping. Yes this was absurd, Teresa and her companion drunk and then the young couple almost sitting as lovers opposite them. And then Teresa realised she had made a mistake in accompanying this girl to the pub on this bank holiday. She didn’t realise that the girl wanted a lover. She had thought they were just after clients.
Then the man beside her pushed a glass of ale towards Teresa. Maybe it was out of kindness or some kind of gesture that he still acknowledged her presence beside him even though they hadn’t spoke for a while. Still in a flash, she looked at the glass and the hand and then at the lovers opposite. It was actually the beauty of the girl which jarred at her, her soft beauty. Teresa thought …Yes there was something…was it a hole of some sort that she was falling into..she felt on the edge..but if she didn’t mind herself..she might fall in..maybe emotions were involved…
Then suddenly Teresa felt sick and her leg began to pain her. The man beside her said:
‘Will we go ladies? ’..and Teresa felt him looking at her and then looking away. The girl opposite glanced at Teresa and Teresa saw again her soft face. Then something began to bother and jar at Teresa. What was it? Was it the fact that she scarcely knew anybody at this table. She scarcely knew the girl. Maybe the girl was playing with her. Still she was too young, too soft in her beauty to do this. However, Teresa suddenly felt aged in this company. She didn‘t mind being drunk opposite the young couple. She was only drunk this afternoon because she was getting free drink, That was all! Something else jarred at her? Was it the loneliness? Was it the fact that this girl who she had only met the day before seemed like her best friend. Anyway where were Jackson and the others to-day? No something was bothering her, almost paining her.
She remained still while the girl looked at her. Then the girl said:
‘Let’s go to the theatre. Teresa?’ However Teresa said quickly without thinking: ‘I don’t know…‘
The man beside her had looked away and then he rose and walked away. He came back with some glasses of ale. Teresa looked at the couple opposite again. The girl had put her head on the man’s shoulder. However Teresa noticed that the girl didn’t do this in a soft way but in a rough kind of way. And in a flash, Teresa saw again the girl she had met the previous day: A girl who seemed to be comfortable with the streets, who knew the streets and could play with the hearts of men. Still in a flash again, the girl was like a soft-hearted sweet-heart. Maybe this girl was trying to seduce this man like the way Teresa tried once to do with Denby! This thought jarred at her and she stood up quickly. The girl looked at her and said:
‘Are we going?’ but Teresa said quickly:
‘No wait’.
Teresa sat down and seemed to grimace. She realised she couldn’t talk to anyone : Where was Freddie..maybe she should just leave this city or go to another area..get a job…maybe she should wait..she just didn’t feel comfortable with these people..
Then suddenly the man beside her put his hand on her leg saying:
‘You’re pale, are you alright?’, and he put a small glass of ale in front of her but she was quiet as she turned and caught his eye. She realised that he had just asked the question for some reason she didn’t know and not because he really cared about her. She muttered then:
‘Do you want to go to the theatre?’.
He replied:
‘We’ll go when we’ve finished this’.
She looked across at the girl and she saw that the man beside the girl was looking at her in a soft way stroking her hair. Teresa tried to close her eyes as the drink was jarring at her. Then she looked across at the young couple. Yes they were like an ordinary couple now.
Teresa thought then of Denby: Maybe she could have had a life with Denby but no, no, it wasn’t possible. Even if Freddie hadn’t come, she’d have walked out. She really only married Denby for an easy life..and because she thought there was a chance, a real opportunity when Denby began to pursue her. But what jarred at her now was that this girl opposite had a chance, an opportunity as the man seemed to like her. The man was stroking her hair and not in a lustful but rather loving way.
Then suddenly, Teresa turned and pushed at the man beside her:
‘Will we go?‘ she almost shouted. Then the man rose quickly. He looked down at her and quickly hit her.
‘Don’t push me, bitch’, he shouted at her and Teresa quickly pushed her way out of the public house. These were the last words she heard and she didn’t look back at him. When she was outside, she saw that the man was not following her. Then she thought of the girl and she walked slowly down the street. Still the girl didn’t come out and Teresa continued to walk back to her room. She looked around for Jackson and some people she knew but there was no-one around. Then she thought then she’d go back to her room and rest…she couldn’t stand this life anymore…she’d leave the city..this area anyway.
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Teresa rose early at about six the following morning, dressed and went down to the streets. Some people were going to work. She looked around at the empty streets and thought vaguely again of leaving this area. She stood still and then she walked down the street. She went back to her room then and fell asleep. When she woke again, she saw it was nine in the morning. She had slept in her clothes and now she rose and quickly went outside. She walked to the park. She sat down and thought: Yes, she had money maybe for a few months rent and she could certainly leave the area that day. She rose and stood against a tree, She was cold now. She knew she didn’t want to go looking for men again. She was too tired and she couldn’t just hide and waste away in her room either. She had to leave this area, yes.
Then suddenly, Jackson came into the park, he saw her and walked directly over to her:
‘I’m tired’, he muttered sitting beside her, ‘Are you alright, Teresa?’
She looked at him. She saw he was tired. Maybe he was up all night or something but he didn’t seem to be sad or anything and she said:
‘I’m tired too, you know.’
She saw him closing his eyes. She sat still beside him. Then he turned quickly looking at her:
‘Are you alright, Teresa? You don’t look well. Why are you sitting like that?’
She looked at him. She didn’t know what to say:
Then he said:
‘Are you leaving?’
She said quickly:
'Do you think I should leave here?'
‘I don’t know. I’m going to leave, you know, Teresa’, he said then.
Then Teresa said:
'I can do better, can’t I Jackson? We can do better than this?' Jackson didn’t answer these questions directly. He looked at her closely and seemed to understand something:
'Teresa, you fell, you fell down.‘ Jackson felt he might hurt her with these words but he saw that they didn’t. Teresa herself was thinking of the theatre world again. Yes she would get a job, any job. Jackson had looked away and had put his hands into his face. Then she said:
‘Thanks, Jackson’. Then she looked at him with his face in his hands:
‘I want to start again. I made mistakes but I think I can start again..’
He spoke at the ground as he said:
‘Go Teresa. It’s alright.‘
Then he looked up at her and saw she was smiling but she was smiling at her own situation.
‘Are you alright Teresa, why are you smiling?’
Still suddenly, she stopped smiling and her face became serious. She said:
'Do you remember…?’ She was going to ask whether he remembered the day he and her stood with Harriet on a bank holiday years earlier but she couldn’t continue. She felt as if she would cry. Jackson looked closely at her.
‘Is it what I said, what I did, Teresa?' Teresa looked at him. Did he mean the necklace?’
Then he continued:
‘I didn't mean to hurt you.'
'No, I'm not hurt..’, Teresa replied. Then Jackson said:
‘No Teresa, get a job and start again, as you say..‘ he stopped and then he seemed to become serious. He said:
'But what do you mean..start again?’ ‘Start again‘? But this is your life, Teresa, this is your life…’ then he turned to her again. She answered: .
‘Well, it’s my life..it’s my life..and I’m alright, Jackson, actually.’
He seemed to become softer as he said:
'You have food, you're alright?
She didn’t answer but he accepted her silence. Then Jackson looked at her and asked suddenly :
'Are you finished with that man?
'You mean...in the street, when I ran into the street?‘
‘Yes’, Jackson said.
'Yes, Jackson, he was just…’, she stopped but Jackson seemed to understand. Then Jackson looked away across the park. Teresa was still and he rose and looked at her. He said:
‘I’m tired. Are you alright?’
Then she was going to say:
‘I might leave to-day’, but she looked at him and said:
‘Yes’. He walked away then. She watched him walk slowly away and then suddenly he looked back. He looked directly at her but he wasn’t able to say anything. Then he said:
‘You should have a rest, you look tired.’
He continued to look at her and walked back to her:
‘Are you going to-day?, he asked.
‘I don’t know, maybe.’
‘But we’ll meet again?’ and Teresa said quickly:
‘I just want a life, that’s all. I might just move across to another area..’
Then he said:
‘Here then’, and he gave her some money.
She looked up at him and seemed to wait for him to speak:
Then he said:
‘I’m tired. I’ll see you, Teresa, alright’.
END
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